One more miracle
by Lic94
Summary: Sherlock...Sherlock Please. After 3 years of silence, of suffering, of living in guilt, I have...enough courage, enough of trying. To finally...well..to finally give in. I'm sorry. I know you won't receive this text, but it gives me slight comfort to know that someone will receive this message, that someone will know. Sherlock Holmes, I loved you. Goodbye- JW
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This is my first multi chaptered story. Its cowriten with Holly, go and check her tumblr: imdeducingthattheystolemytar dis. She plays John and I play Sherlock. Hope you like it!**

Sherlock...Sherlock . Please. After 3 years of silence, of suffering, of living in guilt, I have...enough courage, enough of trying, to finally...well... to finally give in. I'm sorry. I know you won't receive this text, but it gives me slight comfort to know that someone will receive this message, that someone will know. Sherlock Holmes, I loved you. Goodbye- JW

Sherlock looked down at the screen of his phone, holding his breath. He had been waiting for that message, but he had not been expecting that. John had sent him a text every day at the same time, 4 pm. Usually, he just told Sherlock what his new live without him was like. But that last text...  
Of course, he had always known John felt something for him. /About time, John/, he thought.

John sighed and put the phone in his pocket. Of course, he wasn't expecting a reply. No, that was a lie, he was. He always was, but he knew he wouldn't get one. Besides the date what was different today than anything else? He drained the rest of the vodka and pills. He had enough, like he said in the text. He didn't want to try anymore. The memory washed over him. He cried softly as the wind blew. He shivered, not prepared for the weather. It was dark, well past midnight and it was pitch black. The moon wasn't out. John gripped the phone in his pocket, hoping that tonight was different.

Why that text? Sherlock couldn't get the words out of his head. /I have enough... give in... I'm sorry... someone will now.../. They kept replaying in Sherlock's mind. Something was off. John always said /see you/ or sort of. He had never said... /Goodbye/. Realizing his mistake, Sherlock's eyes went round. Stupid, stupid. He reached for his phone, replying to John for the first time in three long years.  
-I always knew, John- SH

John stopped from walking, the numbing water around his ankles when he felt the vibration in his pocket. He slowly pulled the phone out. No one texted him this late unless it was Mycroft making sure he was still alive. He laughed darkly at the irony. The phone read Sherlock. His heart was beating fast. He slowly replied, not sure if this was a cruel joke or not.  
Sherlock...? JW

Sherlock couldn't help laughing. Who else would it be? He started typing as he walked out the door. John had replied quite fast, he certainly had the phone on his pocket. He never carried it around the flat, so he must have gone out for a walk. But at this hour? John always went to two different bars, one he visited with Lestrade and the other when he was annoyed at Sherlock. He certainly wasn't with Lestrade now...  
-Obviously-SH

John looked down at the phone when it vibrated again. Sherlock. He was alive. How? His head was spinning. His chest felt tight. No, the pills, the vodka was taking effect. John took a few more short stumbling steps in. He was numb now. He was either going to go into shock or hypothermia within the next few minutes. He didn't care. Someone was just playing a cruel joke.  
Prove it. This is nothing, but a cruel joke. - JW

Sherlock rolled his eyes, even if he knew John couldn't see him. -Yes, I am alive. No, it's not the shots of vodka you just had, John. And this is certainly NOT a bad joke, that would be so... ordinary. - SH.

John took a few stumbling steps back. His legs were frozen and numb, they weren't working. He collapsed on the banks, staring at the phone. He gripped his head tightly, a few choked sounds coming from him. He turned to his side and vomited up what wasn't in his system.  
Sherlock - JW

Sherlock sped up. John had to be between the flat and that bar. Turning the corner, he saw a figure sitting in a bench. Breathing fast, he recognized John's silhouette. -I'll tell you how I did it. Look up-SH

John looked up, seeing a man walking towards him. He had walked until he found a place to sit, a bench between the flat and the bars. "Sherlock," he whispered softly, "Sherlock Holmes."


	2. Chapter 2

"John Watson", Sherlock replied, smiling for the first time in... ages. His eyes regarded his friend from top to bottom, his mind registering all the details of John's life in the past three years. God, he had missed him. His quote /I don't have friends/ of three years ago sounded now ridiculous. Sherlock stared at John unbelieving eyes. He approached him slowly, sitting in the bench beside him

Tears started to run down John's face. "I...I…" He swallowed several times, his throat making him unable to speak. "Sherlock," he whispered softly, turning to look at his friend. He was more ragged. He was skinnier than ever, his hair and clothes a mess.

Sherlock lifted a hand, trying to calm John down. He wasn't sure how the doctor would react to his touch. "John", he began, getting a little closer to him. "It's okay", he reassured him. He slowly traced John's fist with his fingers, trying to smooth the tension there. "I am right here, John"

John let Sherlock touch him. He had to, to prove Sherlock was real, Sherlock was alive. The tears and sobs more becoming more frequent. "Sherlock, you're alive," he whispered again, repeating himself. He raised a hand to touch Sherlock's cheek, his lips, his hair. "You're alive."

Sherlock stayed still. He didn't want to scare John... more than he already was, anyway. He let John touch his cheeks, leaning into his hand. His other hand reached for John face, and he dried his tears with his fingers... but they kept coming. Leaning down, his hand caressed the back of John head, bringing him to Sherlock's chest. "I right here", he repeated. "And I'm never going to go again"

John let Sherlock move him, let him touch him. Only his touch calmed him down, only his touch kept him sane. His heart was beating way too fast and his head was starting to spin. He was dizzy, way too dizzy. "Sherlock..." he whispered softly before fainting.

God, if John didn't calm down his pulse, he may have a heart attack. Oh... John had fainted. At least it wasn't a heart attack. Taking John in his arms, Sherlock carried him to his flat... their flat. 221b. When they reached the door, Sherlock smiled sadly, homesick. He opened the door and carried John upstairs, dropping John softly in the couch. He kneeled beside him, caressing his head. "John..."

John groaned softly, opening his eyes. His head was throbbing. He bent over the side of the bed, vomiting again. "Sherlock…" he whispered looking above him. He felt embarrassed for vomiting and fainting. 3 years of not having his Sherlock around and he embarrasses himself. John groaned, closing his eyes. He gripped Sherlock's hand gently in his own, reassuring that Sherlock was there.

Sherlock chuckled. "You don't have to be embarrassed. Vomiting after drinking its actually quite normal. You should know that, doctor", he tried to tease, though John didn't look to be in the mood. He squeezed John's hand back, putting their forehead together. "Sleep, John. You will be better when you wake up". Squeezing John's hand one last time, he got up to leave.

John sat up the moment he felt Sherlock's presence leave him. He stood up quickly, regretting both decisions. "Sherlock-" He breathed, stumbling towards the man. "Don't…go." He gripped Sherlock's body to him. He didn't care if he smelt of vodka, he didn't care if he was begging. Sherlock couldn't leave him. Not now. Not ever again. "Please," he begged, slipping to his knees.

Sherlock took John before he felt to the floor, guiding him back to the bed. Really, drunken John was a bit slow. /Or maybe he just misses you/, said an annoying voice in his head. He helped John into the covers, taking of his shoes first. "I am not going anywhere, John. But you need to sleep. I'm not talking to you in this state. You wouldn't remember anything tomorrow, and I don't like to repeat myself"

John had to smile, even if it was small at that statement. "Then sleep with me." He realized how bluntly he put it. "Please," he added a bit soft. He gripped Sherlock's hand tightly, forcing the man to look in his eyes. "I..I love you, Sherlock. And I /did/ miss you."

Sherlock felt he might melt after John's words... which wasn't very normal on him. But John was like no one else Sherlock had ever met. "I missed you too, John.", he breathed, lying next to him. He hugged his doctor under the covers, his lips touching John's ear. "I love you too, John."

John shivered at Sherlock's words and lips. He said nothing else, but turned to wrap Sherlock in his arms and sleep the drunkenness off.

Sherlock spent the whole night holding John and thinking about the next morning. They had to talk. And it wouldn't be a nice talk. When he saw it was 10 am on John alarm clock, he got up and went to the kitchen, starting to prepare tea.

John woke up a few minutes after Sherlock left the bed. His head throbbing. He felt downright disgusting. He hardly remembered last night as well. He sighed as he stood up, glancing at the alarm clock. He slept in late and his phone. Where was his phone? He shrugged, knowing if lost or broken Mycroft would bring him a new one. He heard someone in the kitchen, assuming it was Mrs. Hudson. He sighed softly and went to talk a shower. Once he was out and dressed, he walked into the kitchen, stopping at the sight of Sherlock.

Without turning around, Sherlock said: "Good morning, John", as if nothing had changed. Well... he didn't usually make tea when he and John lived together, but he was sure John would be able to think much with his hangover. "Tea?"

John looked at Sherlock for a minute before slowly sitting at the table. "Sherlock." he said slowly, as if trying to understand, "You're alive. You're here." He was silent, accepting a cup of tea. "What the /fuck/ happened last night?"

"I think that is the most used line, just after "It's not you, it's me"", he replied, sitting in front of John. "You texted me saying you will suicide, I came to you, you fainted, I brought you here and we fell asleep in your bed", he resumed, avoiding the part where John had begged him to stay.

John could only nod as he took another sip. "Funny, I don't remember a thing." There was silence for a while. "I was...suicidal. I remember that, Sherlock. I was. Every single day after-after..." He couldn't bring himself to think of that day. Not yet.

Sherlock waited for John to finish, even if he knew he wouldn't. But that sentence had been the beginning of The Talk. "I know it was hard, John. But you have to understand that I had to do it"

John slammed the mug down with enough force to shatter it. His body trembled and he still held on to the handle. "You /had/ to do it. I suffered. 3 years without you. Each day...each day was a god damn challenge. After the 3rd year without you, I tried at least once a month to kill myself. Do you know how much burdon I put on Lestrade and Mycroft? The first time I did it...Lestrade was beside me. And all your damn brother said to me was that you would be disappointed. Hah." He looked down at the broken remains. "Did you suffer?" he hissed.

Sherlock lifted an eyebrow at John's question, trying not to think much at John killing himself... "Did /I/ suffer? Did you think it was easy for me? Hiding from everyone and bringing down Moriarty's network at the same time so you wouldn't /die/? Yes, I enjoyed it. ", he replied sarcastically

"And yes, I would have been disappointed", he added

John watched him, setting down the shard in his hands. "I didn't think it would be easy for you," he hissed. He stood up, disposing of the shards himself. He got another cup, closing his eyes. "I wanted to die," he continued, "Very much. I tried every way I knew besides-besides jumping"-he shuddered-"And my gun. I wouldn't want Mrs. Hudson to come in on that mess." He took a slow sip. "Why? Just explain to me why?" Near the end, his voice was breaking. Either in sorrow or rage, he didn't know. There was a slight tremble to his hands again.

A hundred images of John killing himself passed on Sherlock's mind. Shaking the thoughts out of his head, he took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be easy. And the tremble in John's hand was back. Fuck. "I knew Moriarty would make me kill myself in some way, so I was prepared. But he had a gun aimed at you, Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade. If I didn't jump, the three of you would be dead now. I wasn't counting on that. I jumped, anyway, on the back of the truck"

"You're body...the blood..." A few tears rolled down John's face. "I felt your fucking pulse! You had died! I-I watched!" He took in a shaken breath. He dropped the tea and started to pace. "Where's Moriarty then? Where did you go for 3 years?" John's hand went to the holster at his side. he wasn't sure why, but he automatically did that since Sherlock's death. The thought made him cringe still. He walked out of the room to get his cane. He could tell Sherlock was looking at him, the cane. "Of course it's back," he snapped, "It came back the day you die-" He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud.

"I am alive, John", he repeated. He had to make sure the fact went into John's head. "Molly covered me in blood and hided me after. I used a rubber ball on my armpit to cut my pulse... I knew you would try to reach for me. Moriarty faked his death too, but I don't really know where he is. I spent these years killing all of his... friends ", Sherlock got up, taking the cane from John's hand and dropping it to the floor. "You don't need it now."

John gripped Sherlock's wrist as tight as he could. "Why didn't you try to get a hold of me? I could've helped! Instead I-I fucking sat here on my arse and suffered! I-I quit working. I suppose Mycroft has been paying the rent." He closed his eyes, his head throbbing. "Instead...you left me here to deal with your /death/. You died for me, but that's almost noble of you." He growled the last bit. 3 years of guilt, pain, and rage was coming out.

Sherlock caressed John's hand with his hand. Maybe if he repeated what he had done last night, he would remember what they had said to each other. He reached for John's head with his other hand. "I would have put you in danger and... I couldn't, John. I prefer you suffering that dying. I kept an eye on you, though. Mycroft told me about you. And I would do it again, John. I would die, /really/ die, just to save you"

John froze on Sherlock's touch, his tremble dyeing. "Why live..." he was silent, closing his eyes. "Why live a life without you? I would rather die than be without you." He sighed heavily, a few more tears running down his face. "Tell me...tell me everything you need to say." There was a sort of plea in his voice, just to hear Sherlock speak.

Could he? He was good with words, true, but he wasn't with.. sentiment. He never had. But he had to do it. For John. "You would have done the same in my place. John, I...", he trailed off, approaching John. Come on. He had faked his death. He could do this. "I missed you, John. More than anything or anyone else. Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade were on danger, but I only could think of you. You were the first name I said to Moriarty.", he took a deep breath for the last bit. "I love you, John"

John collapsed on the floor. He didn't faint, but collapsed. He sat there for a second, looking at Sherlock's legs. Looking at the floor. It was obvious that it was hard for Sherlock to say what he did. But did he mean it? John closed his eyes and shook his head. What kind of question was that? Of course he meant it! "I missed you, Sherlock. You know that. You can see that. And-and.." He texted Sherlock every damn day. About how much he missed him. How much he loved him. Why was it hard to say..? "I love you, Sherlock. And.../thank you/." The last part was whispered, but he knew Sherlock heard him.

Sherlock dropped to his knees in front of John, pulling him in for a hug. Finally, he allowed the tears that he had been holding for three years, kissing John's neck, ear, cheek, nose... "Thank /you/, John. You don't know how much better you have made me". And with that last sentence, Sherlock leaned forward, capturing John's lips with his in a loving kiss.

John kissed Sherlock with as much love that he did. He gripped Sherlock's body to him, tears running down his face. When they pulled away, he muttered, "I'm sorry. For my anger. For my worry. I...I..." He shook his head, not able to say what he needed. How much he needed Sherlock. How much he loved him. "Don't leave. ok? That's all I ask." He shuddered, remembering his last few words at Sherlock's grave.

"One more miracle", Sherlock whispered. John didn't need to say more. It was written all over him... for Sherlock to read. "I'm sorry I made you go through that. I'm never going to leave again. You asked for a miracle... it's the least I can give you"


	3. Chapter 3

"You heard me?" whispered John, a shock running through him. He pulled away, looking Sherlock over. "You heard me...at your grave?" There were a few more tears. Sherlock was there. He was so close. Why hadn't John seen him?

"You see, but you don't observe", he smiled. "I was right next to you. I couldn't get my eyes of you in the week after my suicide. Mycroft told me then that I should stay further, to keep you save. So I did. But I knew some day I would do it. One more miracle"

John gripped Sherlock's hand tightly. "It-it's the past. It doesn't matter. You're here. You're alive. You're safe." He slowly stood up, pulling Sherlock with him. He went back to his tea, taking a struggling sip. Sherlock had to know what he was about to say, if he didn't tell him, then he would find out and he didn't want to know which one was worse. He turned his back to Sherlock, struggling to find the words.

Sherlock observed John close, trying to read him... and failing miserably. He definitely wanted to say something... but what exactly. "Tell me", he begged.

John set the mug down on the table, looking out the flat's window. He gripped the table's edge tightly. "I was married." He spitted it out, as if bitter before he turned back to look over Sherlock.

Sherlock closed his eyes. He remembered perfectly the moment Mycroft had walked into his flat and told him John had married some woman. He had started shooting the wall, punching whatever got in his way... he had almost destroyed the whole place. But at least that meant John was happy. Or so he thought. "I know"

John could only swallow. Sherlock's voice was unemotional. This scared him. "Mycroft," he guessed with a soft whisper, "We divorced."-he said this rather quickly-"She...I..." He sighed. "I didn't try. I couldn't. My mind was on you. I couldn't take care of her or please her. I was in too much of a depression. She left me. Taking whatever she fucking wanted."

Sherlock brought a finger onto John's lips before he could continue. He didn't need or want to hear more. "You don't have to explain it to me, John. I knew it would happen, anyway. Actually, it surprised me it didn't happen before." /It should have been me/, he added in his head

John smiled softly at Sherlock's touch. "I didn't want to marry. I was waiting.." /for you/ he thought, sighing. "Mycroft, he knows your back? Does anyone know you're back..?"

"Mycroft helped me to hide. And... well, Molly. But anyone else. I wanted to tell you, John. So bad.", he smiled, tracing John's lips with his finger. "And what exactly were you waiting for?"

"I wish I could help...everyone-everyone had their part, but me." He tried not to let the pain bother him, but it did. "You. I was waiting for you."

Sherlock smiled, trying to hold back the tears. "You are the best part, John. You helped me just... by living. To know you were still alive gave me strength to continue. And, god, I waited to come to you. I waited for you too, John".

"I just wish you can forgive me"

John wrapped his arms around Sherlock, placing his head on Sherlock's chest. "I do forgive you," he whispered to Sherlock's heart, "I-I understand." As soon as the words left his lips, all the pain, the anger, the guilt leaked out.

After hearing John's words, Sherlock was finally able to breathe again. "I love you", he whispered, just before kissing John with all he had, bringing his head closer, deepening the kiss. He needed him. He needed John everywhere

John kissed Sherlock deeply, his arms tightening around them. "I love you, Sherlock," he whispered when they broke apart. "You need a meal in you," he said with a slight chuckle, looking over Sherlock's appearance.

"Not again, John", he said, but he couldn't help smiling. "And you are not Mr. Healthy either. You have lost 13% of you weight over the past three years"

John rolled his eyes, but he smiled. Only Sherlock would know exactly how much weight they both lost. "Look, there's barely enough food in here for one person. How about we go out to eat?" He squeezed Sherlock's hand gently.

"Angelo's?", Sherlock proposed, taking John's hand and getting up.

"Sounds good." He was leading them towards the door when he heard Mrs. Hudson's light footsteps on the other side. "John who are you talking to?" she asked, opening the door. "Uh, Sherlock, Mrs. Hudson." Mrs. Hudson made a sad face, pity. "But, love Sherlock's dead.." It obviously hurt her to even say those words. John glanced back at Sherlock, flashing a grin.

Sherlock tried not to seem too much surprised at Mrs. Hudson sudden appearance. He smiled immediately in her direction, walking to the door so she could see him

Mrs. Hudson's eyes grew wide as she saw Sherlock. She stumbled back a step before John caught her and lead her to the couch. "But-but-but.." she stammered before John calmed her down some. "Sherlock!" She yelled, a smile on her face.

"Hello", he greeted her. Accelerated pulse, dizzy look, trembling hands... she looked about to faint, too. Was everybody going to collapse at the sight of Sherlock. He went to hug her, bringing her to his chest

Just like John, she relaxed at his touch. "Sherlock-how?" She asked, hugging him back. John sat on the couch's edge watching the, interest on his face. "John...why didn't you tell me?" She looked over at John, a bit of hurt on her face. "I-er...I got drunk last night..and..and he.." He wasn't able to finish the sentence, but instead, squeezed her hand, hoping she'd understand.

God, did he have to repeat everything again? He hoped not... "I came here last night. We didn't have time. I'm sorry, Mrs. Hudson", he apologized, putting on his best "I'm sorry" face

Mrs. Hudson smiled softly, patting Sherlock's cheek. "its okay, the both of you. I understand." She flashed an understanding face both of their ways. "I'm just glad you're back, Sherlock. John.." She squeezed John's shoulder. "John really needed you. More than any of us."

Sherlock's pulse increased at that sentence. "I know.", he simply replied, looking at John with loving eyes. "I'm here for him now"

Mrs. Hudson smiled again. "Then stay with him." She looked at her watch. "I better go before I'm late." She smiled and nodded, leaving the flat with the door behind her open. Once gone, John looking up at Sherlock, chuckling. "Well.."

"Well", Sherlock repeated. "That went better than I had expected. Hungry?"

John chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Very." He smiled, taking Sherlock's hand in his own.

They came out of the flat hand in hand. The walk lasted more than normal because they couldn't take the eyes of each other. They were about to arrive when Sherlock got a text. -You were supposed to be hiding till tomorrow, dear brother-MH. Well. Too bad

John glanced over at Sherlock, seeing that he had his phone out. "Who is that?" he asked, glancing at the phone.

"Who do you think?", he asked, smiling. Even Mycroft couldn't ruin this day. He was in a date with John, after all. Finally. - Go start a war, Mycroft-SH

John read the reply, biting back laughter. "He always had to meddle in the good things, doesn't he?"

"Good and bad. We better hope he doesn't meddle tonight", he smiled. They sat in their usual place, waiting for a waitress

"Mmm...what are you planning for tonight?" John smiled softly, a blush on his cheeks. A waitress came over, expecting them to order with no need for her to talk.

Sherlock picked two dishes from the menu without really caring what they were. He couldn't stop staring at John's bright eyes. "Anything you allow me to"

John blushed, raised a hand to stroke Sherlock's cheek. "That would be whatever you wish," he whispered, kissing Sherlock's lips.

Sherlock groaned softly, kissing John back. He ran his tongue over John bottom lip. Maybe he wasn't patient enough to wait for tonight

The blush in John's cheek rose as he groaned against their lips, allowing his lips to open enough for Sherlock.

Slowly, almost shyly, Sherlock pushed his tongue past John's lips, licking John's tongue. "Mmm John..."

John jumped slightly at the sound of Sherlock murmuring his name. He closed his eyes, raising his tongue to meet Sherlock's. "Sherlock.."

Sherlock brought John's head to him with his hand. He couldn't stop moaning softly against John's lips. They were so soft, and full and... perfect. "John, please. Let's skip the dinner"

John was the first to pull away, still holding onto Sherlock tightly. He cleared his throat, blushing. "Yes-lets." He stood up, holding his hand out to Sherlock, ignoring those who looked at them.

They came out of Angelo's just when the waitress was back with their orders. Sherlock didn't even glance at her as he pulled John with him. They arrived to the flat in less than 4 minutes. Record time. Sherlock closed the door behind them and stared at John, trying to calm his breathing

John was flushed as they looked at each other. Sherlock was perfect. He wanted Sherlock, everywhere. He took a few steps to Sherlock, smiling. "Bedroom?" he whispered, softly, almost a purr.

"God yes", he whispered. They climbed up the stairs as fast as they could. Sherlock guided them to his room. It was closer than John's. When he closed the door, he pushed John against it, kissing him again

John fell into the door, Sherlock's kiss landing on his lips. "Sherlock," he purred as they kissed deeply, John's lips parting as he tore Sherlock's shirt off of him. He was perfect. My Gods.

Sherlock got rid of John's clothes before the doctor had even unbuttoned his shirt. He caressed John everywhere, recording his body in his mind. He would never delete this. He guided John to the soft bed and he laid on top of him, never breaking the kiss

John pulled Sherlock on top of him. He kissed deeply, a hand entangling in Sherlock's curls. He wanted Sherlock. He wanted him more then he wanted anyone else in his life.

Having John skin on skin what the hottest thing Sherlock had ever felt. When John pulled at his curls, Sherlock moaned loudly. He didn't have to hold back now. He did an experimental grind of his hips against John, biting his neck

John moaned. He moaned louder than he ever did before. No one knew how to turn him on like Sherlock. He never told Sherlock either-not that he remembered. He gripped Sherlock's hair tighter in his hands.

"You don't have to tell", Sherlock whispered in his ear, smiling. He couldn't stop grinding. But he had to. He wanted so much more. Kissing John slightly on the lips, he traveled down until his face was in level with John's hips. Looking up at John, he gave a little lick at the head of his member

John watched Sherlock, his eyes half closed as he felt Sherlock's tongue on his member. "Oh...my.." He moaned heavily. He wanted more. Now.

Sherlock chuckled, keeping John hips down with his hands so he would thrust up. He knew what John wanted. In a flash, he captured all of John's member in his mouth, sucking hard, and going back up again, scratching slightly John's flesh with his teeth.

John gasped, his eyes half closed. The pleasure was intense, the most pleasure he ever felt. "Sherlock," he moaned.

Sherlock moaned around John, looking up at him. He wasn't going to last long... After a few minutes, Sherlock draw back with a loud pop sound and climbed up, kissing John hard on the mouth. "John", he muttered, biting his lips. His hand traveled down slowly. Slipping it between John's legs, he caressed with one finger John entrance, asking for permission.

John moaned, knowing that just like Sherlock he wouldn't last long. He was sensitive, trembling with Sherlock's every touch. Sherlock didn't need permission, but seeing as he asked, John nodded with a slight moan. He was nervous, but with Sherlock above him, he didn't care.

That nod was everything Sherlock needed. Kissing John, he slid a single finger in. John was clearly nervous. He had to relax, or this would be really hurtful. "John, relax", he muttered. "It's just me. Let me in", he breathed into John' ear, biting his lobe playfully.

At the sound of Sherlock voice and his touch, john relaxed. He moaned softly, a hand grasping Sherlock hair. He wanted him. More than ever. In every way, no matter the cost.

That's it, Sherlock thought. He finished preparing John in a few minutes, and lined himself up with John's entrance. Looking up at him, he began to push in, slowly.

John gasped, his eyes rolling back in his head in pleasure. There was slight pain, but there was more pleasure. "Sherlock," he moaned, gripping Sherlock's body.

"God, John", Sherlock groaned against John's lips, trying not to thrust into him. After a minute, he was completely inside John. Looking at him right in the eyes, he draw back and in slowly, building a rhythm.

John moaned softly, sweet pleasure filling his body. He kissed Sherlock deeply. "Sherlock, oh, Sherlock," he moaned against their lips.

Sherlock let out an animal growl as he began to speed up. Balancing himself in one arm, he slipped the other between them, stocking John in time with his thrust.

John couldn't contain himself. He moaned louder with each thrust, the pleasure too much to contain. He let out a low growl as he released himself.

Feeling John release between their stomachs was too much. With one last thrust, he buried himself deep into John, screaming John's name as he came.

John moaned softly, wrapping his arms around Sherlock, kissing his sweaty brow. "I love you," he breathed.

Sherlock lifted his head to kiss John sweetly on the lips, caressing his cheek. "I love you John,", he replied with his deep baritone voice. He rolled off him, drawing him closer and hugging him.


	4. Chapter 4

John smiled. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock, stroking his hair. "I love you, Sherlock." He was silent for a moment. "Thank-you."

Sherlock smiled, frowning slightly. "What for?", he asked, caressing John's back.

John kissed his lips softly. A smile on his face. "For everything. For coming back. For…this." He blushed.

Sherlock smiled. "Sorry for the wait", he apologized. "I'll never disappear again". He kissed John back, running his lips on John's neck. "Thank /you/, John. For everything. For not giving up on me. And for this", he replied, biting John's lobe playfully.

John couldn't resist a moan at Sherlock doing. His body shivered from his kisses. "I was suicidal, yes. Depressed. But I never..gave up hope. Even if it killed me."

Sherlock kept giving John opened-mouth kisses. Neck, chest, mouth, cheeks. Anywhere he could find. "Well, you are done being depressed now", he said. It came out more forcefully than expected, sounding like an order. "I'm here now. Nothing or no one will kill you"

John smiled, his hand stroking whatever he could touch of Sherlock. "Yes, I'm done being depressed, but...it will take a while getting used to you. Being alive. And that I'm not mad."

"You seemed quite used to me right now", Sherlock teased, pecking John on the nose this time. He didn't quite understand what 'a while' was for John. Was he going to… be awkward around him or avoiding him? Sherlock wanted everything to be like before… "John, mm.."

"Yes, Sherlock?" he murmured. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock, sitting them up. He felt tired, drained, but happy. He didn't want this moment to end.

Sherlock took John's face in his hands and ran his fingers over his neck, trying to gain some time to think how to say want he wanted to say. "I..", he trailed of, looking down. "I don't want anything between us to… change.", he finally, said, looking up at John. "I-I know you are mad at me for not telling you and… well, dying", he smiled slightly. "but..."

John reached up and held Sherlock's hands in place. "But..?" When the detective didn't reply, he squeezed his hands. "Nothing will change between us. I promise. It's just...going to take time. Christ, Sherlock I nearly killed myself again today. Seen you're alive. Admitted my love for you and shagged you in the same night!"

Sherlock blushed at those words, smiling shyly at John. "You did all of that because I came back today, John. Tomorrow, when you think properly, you will be mad at me. Or would you have done all of this", he said, gesturing with a hand between them, "if I hadn't died? If I had been here all this time, solving crimes together… if everything was like it used to be, would you have gotten… involved with me?"

John sat there, thinking. He didn't honestly know, but he couldn't leave Sherlock in silence. "You have a point," he said softly, "Maybe. I can't..really say. We would've been too embarrassed to admit feelings. You can't say one of the reasons you admit you loved me was because I..I almost killed myself."

The minutes of wait felt like ages to Sherlock. When John finally replied, he said no with his head forcefully, staring at John seriously. "I always loved you, John. I-I thought of telling you that day, at Bart's roof but… I knew it would have been too much. And I have spent these years thinking how… I would tell you", he admitted. God, he didn't want this to end. He knew tomorrow everything would be so different…

John stroked Sherlock's curls, a smile on his face. "You were right. I-I think I would've offed myself...right then and there." He sighed softly. "I still can't look Mrs. Hudson in the eyes. After-after she walked in on my lifeless body. Lestrade and her got me in the hospital, right on time."

"God, John, I'm so sorry", Sherlock whispered and, for once, he meant it. He leaned forward, pulling John to himself with all the force he could master. He kissed his neck up to his ear, closing his eyes and breathing in. "Let's not sleep", he said all of a sudden. "If we don't sleep, nothing would change tomorrow… you won't think differently in the morning".

"Hold on a minute, Sherlock," breathed John, leaning into Sherlock, "Why and how would I think differently of you? What will change?" He was honestly confused.

"I told you", Sherlock murmured. "You won't do this again, John, now that you know I'm alive and I won't go away again. When you wake up tomorrow next to me… you will think differently. You will believe this had been a mistake. That it is better to be just friends like we used to be". He knew what he was talking about. He knew what a whole night to think could modify.

John hushed Sherlock by kissing his lips. "Sherlock, shut up." He growled softly. "I will not think diffidently of you. I will not think of this as a mistake. I love you. Nothing will change okay? Stop thinking for once. Please."

Sherlock kissed John back, biting his lower lip. When he draw back, he leaned forward so their foreheads touched. "I love you too", he breathed, trying to control his pulse. He tried to comply, but his mind wouldn't shut up. "Make me stop thinking", he begged, still with his eyes closed.

John sighed softly with happiness. He kissed Sherlock's lips, knotting a hand in Sherlock's dark locks. "Mmm...I think we're both too exhausted to try anything like that again." He blushed.

Sherlock blushed hard. He hadn't really meant it that way… "I-I just…", he stuttered. "I didn't mean… ", he looked up at John with big eyes. "Let's sleep", he finally said, leaning into John's hand.

John chuckled at Sherlock reaction. "I love you." He laid back down, pulling Sherlock with him. He held his detective close to him. Feeling his heartbeat.

Sherlock hugged John closely, keeping the doctor's head in the crock of his neck. Sherlock could feel his breathing on his neck. Soon, the doctor was already asleep, but Sherlock didn't sleep at all. He stayed six hours staring at the back of John's head, thinking. Thinking about what their lives would be after this night.

Several hours later John woke up with a small start. He felt someone's arms around him, but that didn't do much good to calm him down. He sat straight up, gasping for breath as he felt the cold sweat trickle down his face. "Fuck," he whispered, "No, no.." His voice was weak, shaken.

Sherlock pulled away as soon as he felt John jump in the bed. In a flash, he got up the bed, not really caring that he was stark naked. He stared at John with a hurtful look, breathing fast. He knew this would happen, he was prepared… so, why did he want to start crying like a baby? John was mad. Really mad at him. "John…", he whispered, sounding close to tears.

"Sherlock," groaned John, turning to his best friend, his lover, "Oh, Sherlock." He moaned softly, fresh tears running down his face. His body shook painfully as each wave of sobs came over him. The thoughts of the nightmare slowly vanished, but it still remained.

Sherlock didn't know what to do. He wanted to hug John so badly, but he knew John wouldn't allow it. So he stayed still in front of his crying lover, waiting for John to send him out. To scream at him. One single tear rolled down his face, and he bit his lower lip to keep himself from breaking down.

Slowly John reached up to Sherlock's hovering form. Sherlock felt cold, he could feel him trembling. "Sherlock," he whispered, sobs still rising from him, "I'm not mad. Please-please don't think that." It was becoming easier to breath, slowly. Holding Sherlock close helped more then he knew.

Unsure, Sherlock wrapped his arms around John, shaking. He breathed in slowly, trying to calm himself down. Of course, he thought. Stupid, stupid… it had been a nightmare. God, his feelings for John made him fail more than ever. "I'm here, John, it's okay", he whispered on John's ear, closing his eyes. "You-you are not mad at me?"

John shook his head, trying to slow his breathing, his heartbeat. He held Sherlock to him, the contact of bare flesh calming him. "No, Sherlock. I'm not. Why do you think I will be?" He couldn't go back to sleep, he kept thinking. He needed to stop.

Sherlock buried his head into John's neck, kissing him there. "I thought you would regret this", he whispered, his voice muffled by John's neck. "I love you, John"

John smiled, stroking Sherlock's hair. "Why would I? I never will." He smiled, kissing Sherlock's forehead. "I love you. Always."

Sherlock smiled happily at John, bringing both his hands to the doctor's face. "Tell me", he said. "About the nightmare"

John shook his head. "I..I don't need to. It's ok." He smiled slightly

Sherlock could see right through John. "No, it's not", he whispered. "It's not ok, John. But... if you don't want to tell me, I won't keep insisting", he promised.

John couldn't help, but sigh with a tremble. "I saw you. Jumping. I tried-tried to call out to you. Tell you to stop, but...you didn't. You hit the ground, I tried running to you. As fast as I could, but-but I couldn't reach you."

Sherlock stocked the back of John's head, holding him close. "I used to have nightmares about you, these years", he confessed for the first time in his life. Not even Mycroft knew this. "I dreamt I returned to London, but it was already late. Sometimes, you would be married, others you would have killed yourself", he murmured, resting his cheek on John's head. "But I don't have to be afraid anymore. And neither you do"

"I try not to be," whispered John softly, "I'm afraid you won't be real. You're just a figment of my imagination. It happened once. So real. Sherlock, what...would you have done if I-I killed myself."

Sherlock took John's head in both his hands, staring at him right in the eyes. "John, look at me. I am real, ok? I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere", he promised, kissing John's lips slightly. "If you killed yourself, I would have followed", he confessed. He had even thought of various ways of killing himself.

John shuddered at the thought. _No, not his Sherlock._ John allowed himself to kiss Sherlock back, his hands squeezing Sherlock's. "I couldn't want you to," he whispered softly, "There's no reason for me to live without you."

"I could say the same", Sherlock replied, kissing John's cheek. _Not my John._ "I guess we are bound, in some way", he whispered, staring down at his lips.

"Bound? I'm not sure I understand," he said softly, stroking Sherlock's hand.

Sherlock smiled, looking down at their joined hands. "We can't live without one another".

"Well of course not," said John as if it was simple, "I never could live without you."

Sherlock interlaced their fingers together, looking up at John. "Obviously".

John wrapped his arms around him, tightly. "Sherlock, just don't leave me okay? I need you."

Sherlock hold John closely, breathing into his hair. "Never. I need you too, John. So much", he whispered, closing his eyes"

John smiled, relaxing at Sherlock's touch. "Promise me. Promise me if you have to leave for whatever reason, then take-take me with you."

"John…", Sherlock trailed off. Could he promise John that? If his doctor was in danger again and Sherlock was the only one that could save him… he would do it again. "John, I promised I would try my best not to do this again. But I can't promise you that I would take you if you were in danger".


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! So, many people have told me to check the grammar of the story and I have done it. I updated all the chapters again, but I'm not an english speaker, so if there are others mistakes, sorry lol.**

John felt part of his heart shatter. "Then you wouldn't need to try to save my life, there would be no life to save." It was brutal to put it so blunt, but it was true.

Sherlock opened and closed his mouth several times without making any noise. "J-John… you have to understand. I need you alive. And I will do anything to still have you". God, John was mad at him again. But he wanted the truth, right? "Promise me you will stay alive"

John only shook his head, knowing, just knowing he was hurting Sherlock. "Can't. I can't do that unless you...unless you promise not to leave me. And-and if you have to, I can come."

"John, I don't want to lie to you", Sherlock breathed. "And I know I would leave if that's the only way to keep you alive." Should he lie to John? He would make him happier… _and he will kill himself if you left_, Sherlock thought.

"I'm glad you're not lying to me," he said with a slight growl, "Then don't leave. There will be _ no one _to keep alive if you did!" He was speaking the truth, as blunt as it was.

"You are just being thick now", Sherlock said, a little annoyed at John's behavior. "Don't you understand? Wouldn't you leave me to keep me alive?" This was getting ridiculous. He needed John to understand…

"Of course I would!" he said, nearly shouting. He was getting frustrated, annoyed, and very worried. He couldn't lose Sherlock again. He just knew he wouldn't survive even if Lestrade and Mycroft kept 24/7 watch on him. "I'm not being thick, Sherlock. I am telling you the truth."

"And I am telling you the truth, too", Sherlock growled, trying not to shout. John was breathing fast, he was trembling slightly, with a blush on his cheeks… there was a tremor in his eyes too… was he about to cry? "Would you want that I kill myself if you left me?", he asked, softly this time. He reached a hand to his doctor, shyly.

John didn't react, staring into Sherlock's eyes. It was true, he was trembling. But he couldn't show emotions, he wouldn't allow himself. He wasn't being the strong man he used to be. "Of course not. You have many things to live for S-Sherlock. Regardless of me. If-if you were to have to leave again, I couldn't-no I wouldn't survive!" He was starting to yell now. He couldn't help it, he didn't want to. He could tell Sherlock was pushed to the edge as much as he was.

Sherlock didn't know what he had been expecting. Maybe that John would get his hand away, or he would allow Sherlock to touch him. But that coldness in his eyes… Sherlock left his hand fall down without reaching for the doctor, who was beginning to lose his nerve. Sherlock adopted the same expressionless look, breathing deep to control himself. "I have nothing, _nothing_, lo live for apart from you, John", he said matter of factly.

John took in a deep breath. It did no good. He was starting to tremble even more. He slipped away and started to move, to pace. It was something, something to calm him down. He turned back to Sherlock, his eyes on his detective. "Then why do you expect me to live without you?!" He was shouting again, being stupid.

"Because you have a lot more to do in the world. You are a good man, you-you care about people. You save them. " Sherlock tried to concentrate, but seeing John wandering around naked wasn't helping him. _Trying to calm himself_, Sherlock thought. _Trying to get away from me… _ "You are so much better than me, John. You deserve so much more", he breathed, looking down for a second.

"_But I want you, Sherlock!" _he yelled suddenly, turning on Sherlock, growling, _"I want you, God Damnit! I want you in every bane and form! Your selfishness, arrogant, asinine ways! Why?! Because I love you! And I refuse to lose that!" _He stared at Sherlock, his chest rising and falling heavily. He was starting to feel dizzy.

Sherlock stared at John for a second. In the next, he had pinned John against the wall, pressing him against it. In a flash, he bent down and captured John's lips in a bruising kiss. "I want you too. And I'm too selfish to say I would refuse having you, even if that put you in danger… and that's the most selfish thing I have done _in my live_", he whispered, his lips brushing John's. "I love you too much to leave you. You won't lose me", he finally promised. He knew he wouldn't be strong enough to leave John again.

A few silent tears ran down John's face as he listened to Sherlock. He kissed him back as deeply, his hands pressed to his side. He had nothing else to say, he knew Sherlock was speaking the truth.

Sherlock moaned against John's lips, pressing his body to John's. Drawing back, he nip at his neck, rolling his hips into John's at the same time, asking for permission to do more.

John moaned softly, the nip at his neck and Sherlock's hips against his own setting him off. He wanted more, needed more and very wanted Sherlock in every way. "Sherlock, please," he moaned softly.

Sherlock growled, biting his own lip to prevent him from crying out. God, John begging was… Taking the doctor from the hips, he pushed him backward until his knees touched the bed. He pushed him onto it, climbing up and laying over John.

John let out a gasp, wishing Sherlock had continued the motion. He fell on the bed, feeling Sherlock's warm body overtaking his. God it was enough to make him... "Sherlock," he moaned, "Please..." He was begging again, he needed Sherlock.

"God, John…" If he kept this up, Sherlock would come just from hearing him begging. He resumed the movement of his hips, kissing John deeply. He slipped a hand between them, taking hold of both of them and moved his hand as fast as he could.

John let out a sound that he never knew he had. He gripped the sheets, the pleasure intense. _"Sherlock!"_he moaned loudly. He was kissing Sherlock, deeply.

My GOD. Sherlock opened his mouth in pleasure, staring at John intensely. He balanced himself on the other arm to be able to see him. John moaning under him, gripping the sheets, begging… "John… I'm not going to last.."

"Take me," he whispered softly, a hint of begging in his voice. He wrapped the sheets in his hands, hearing Sherlock moaning in his ear. He knew he was close, so very close.

Sherlock stopped his movement all of sudden. If he didn't stop, he wouldn't do what John wanted… and he wanted John to be happy. Breathing deep, he took his member and lined himself up on John's entrance, looking up at him. "Beg for it"

John bit his lip. "Sherlock, I beg of you. Please take me. Please. I need you. Want you!" He nearly screamed, reviving pleasure from Sherlock's movements.

Sherlock's eyes turned darker as he thrust into John in one single, hard movement, gasping. "Mmm, John.."

John let out a scream, a scream of pleasure when Sherlock entered him. It was painful, but gods it felt good. "Sherlock," he moaned again.

Sherlock buried his face in John's neck as he began fucking him in hard, punctual thrust. He bit John's earlobe, moaning in his ear. "John, I love so much"

John groaned again, the thrusts and the biting becoming too much. It was painfully pleasurable, the worst kind of torture. "Sherlock," he moaned softly, "I love you. I love you."

Sherlock let the best bit for the end. He knew it was too much for John… but seeing him like this was the best thing he has ever seeing. He lifted his head, looking down at John. He slipped again a hand between their stomach, stocking only John this time. He bent down to whisper against his lips. "Come for me"

John shuddered at Sherlock's request. It was too much. His eyes shut tight as he felt it, every ounce of pleasure escaping from him. He screamed with the pleasure, realizing himself over Sherlock's hand. "Christ," he moaned.

Sherlock bit his lips, groaning loudly. "No. Just me", he smirked, speeding up. He was almost there, just a little more…

John couldn't help, but smirk, moaning every so lightly. He was breathless, eyes still closed tight. "Come _for me, Sherlock," _he groaned, smiling.

Sherlock moaned, staring down at him. God, it was too much. All he could feel was John, John, John… with two more thrust, he emptied himself inside John, screaming his name at the top of his lungs.

John groaned softly. He gripped Sherlock's hand, ignoring how sticky it felt.

Sherlock collapsed on top of John. "I know I am crashing you, but I am too comfortable to move", he admitted in a sleepy voice.

John chuckled. "You are doing no such thing." He felt utterly exhausted now.

"Mhmm", was what Sherlock said in reply. He buried his face in John's neck, licking it with his tongue. "Let's sleep"

John shuddered softly. "We need it," he said with a soft smile.

"I need you", mumbled Sherlock sleepily, not even realizing that the words left his mouth.

John smiled. He kissed Sherlock hand. "I-I Need you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Guys, I'm back! Thanks a lot for all the reviews, follows and favourites I got, you are awesome. Someone asked me about Lestrade reaction. We are writing it right now, but you will have to wait a few chapters :)**

"I have thought of… some experiments", Sherlock said, smiling against John's neck. "Involving you, obviously"

John chewed on his lip. "Care to explain these experimentations?"

Sherlock chuckled, using all his strength to lift his head. "I want to study how you respond to different… stimuli", he smirked, looking fiercely at John's lip.

John couldn't help, but blush. "Well, then I will be very glad to have you _study _me."

"Mhmm, good", Sherlock replied, smirking down at him. "For instance, you blush quite frequently when you are around me"

John swallowed, grinning. "Yes, I tend to do that. Al lot."

"You swallow, lick your lips, breathe faster…", Sherlock went on, bending down so he could feel John's pulse against his mouth. "So accelerated…"

John closed his eyes, laying back. "Gods.." he groaned.

"And you are rather talkative… not quite what I expected", Sherlock continued in a deep voice.

"Oh, would you rather I was silent?" He asked, teasing with a grin.

"No", Sherlock said, his tone almost complaining. John begging had been… "I like it. I want you to", he said bluntly.

John couldn't help, but smile. "Very well then, Sherlock," he said softly.

John, always the submissive doctor. Sherlock would have to test his limits… "Will you update your blog?"

John watched him. "I could. What would you want me to say?"

_That you are with me. That you are mine. Than nobody can't get you anymore. _"What you used to say. Our cases and things like that. Ordinary stuff", he said instead.

"Are you sure?" There was something in the look he gave him. He wanted to know more. "Sherlock...I.." He let the sentence drop, shaking his head.

Sherlock looked away from John's gaze. Seriously, was John the only man that could detect when Sherlock lied? "It's stupid, really", he murmured.

John squeezed Sherlock's hand. "Nothing you say is stupid," he said with a smile.

Sherlock dropped his head once more, trying to gain courage. "I… would want you to say that we are… together", he finally let out, looking up at John shyly.

John smiled, a sweet smile only meant for Sherlock. _"I was going to do that anyway."_He blushed, kissing Sherlock's lips.

Sherlock blushed, harder than he ever had. He kissed John back hungrily. "I love you"

John kissed back with as much hunger. "I love you. Always will."

Sherlock moaned against John's lips. "John, I…", he breathed as they parted, staring at his doctor. "I want you to… take me", he said, unsure again. "Not right now, I mean… next time", he added, blushing.

John smiled softly, pulling away. "And I will take you," he growled very softly.

Sherlock bit his lips. "It will be my first time… bottoming, that is".

John smiled softly, stroking Sherlock's curls. "That is fine, Sherlock. I'll be gentle."

"I know. I'll be perfect", he smiled, leaning to John's warm hand. "_You_ are perfect. I want it to be you."

"It will be me as long as you want me." He smiled, kissing Sherlock cheek.

"Forever and always", Sherlock breathed, closing his eyes at John kiss.

John smiled, seeing his reaction. He kissed his lips deeply.

"When do you think I can return to normal life? I've been so bored without the cases… and you", Sherlock teased.

John chuckled softly, blush rising. "Whenever you are ready, Sherlock."

"I've been ready for _months_", Sherlock complained, nuzzling John's neck. "Mycroft didn't allow me to return till Moriarty's web was down. I guess you will have to keep me entertained till then", he smirked.

John smiled softly. He held Sherlock gently, stroking the curls. "You're alive," he breathed into his lover's ear, "My gods I've missed you"

"I've missed you too", Sherlock moaned softly, shivering at John's touch. "Even if we weren't together when I left. I missed been with you"

John stroked his cheeks with a gentle hand. "You always...wanted me?"

"Always. All of you", Sherlock replied, leaning into the warm hand. "But I didn't realize that I loved you until… that day, in the pool", he said, caressing John's stomach.

John shivered at his touch. "The pool. When...blimey Sherlock. You didn't tell me."

"I didn't want you to leave Baker Street", he breathed, scratching slightly John's flesh. "I thought you'd be disgusted. You always said you were straight"

John resisted a slight moan at the scratching. "I...I did it as a cover up. I knew I loved you. It took the...the...your death to prove it to myself."

"Oh, really?", Sherlock asked in a teasing tone. He loved to see John melting at his touch. "And you said I was stubborn." Sherlock kissed John's stomach lightly, flicking his tongue on John's navel.

John groaned softly, his hands going to Sherlock's curls. "I-I know I was.." Christ that felt good. "I couldn't-I didn't want you to reject me."

Sherlock moaned slightly as he felt John tugging at his locks. "How could I?", he murmured; his mouth traveled down to John's hip, but he didn't want to push John for the third time that day, so he went back up.

"I-I just thought you would think emotions, love like this is irrelevant...You wouldn't want to deal with it." He sighed softly, feeling Sherlock lips on his skin.

"I did", Sherlock agreed, exploring John's chest now. "Before you, that is. Relationships are boring at best and annoying at worst. But you are worth it", he breathed, licking his right nipple.

John closed his eyes, moaning. "What am I to you Sherlock?"

Sherlock lifted his head, stopping to kiss John. He stared at the doctor in the eyes, even if they were closed. "You are the only one that bears with me. That makes me more… human. My roommate. My blogger. My friend. My… lover".

John shifted over, Sherlock under him. He looked him in the eyes. "You are my /everything/. I love you. My friend, my detective, you make me feel more alive. My lover." He was silent and suddenly sat back, realization sitting in. "Sherlock, marry me."

Sherlock looked up at John, startled. He could have said a million reasons why marriage wasn't a good choice. But staring into John's blue eyes, all he could say was… "Yes. God, yes, John", he breathed, bringing John down to kiss him.

A smile spread out over John's face. He kissed Sherlock, holding him tight. "Are you sure? You never wanted to.."

Sherlock flipped them over again, smiling widely. "I never been more sure of anything", he reassured his doctor, kissing his nose. "I want to be as close and bound to you as humanly possible"

John blushed, smiling. "Sherlock, are you sure? I want you to be sure, absolutely sure before we agree on this." His voice was side, scared even.

"John, _stop thinking_", Sherlock ordered, closing his eyes slightly in a menacing way. "I am sure I want you. I am sure I love you. Conclusion: I am sure I want to marry you. You'll be officially mine", he smiled, caressing John's cheek.

John shuddered at Sherlock order. In truth he enjoyed It, but didn't let the detective know that. He could figure out on his own. "I love you," he breathed.

Oh, his military doctor liked being ordered around? Sherlock smirked, making a mental note to remember that. "Kiss me, John", he said in his deep voice.

John shuddered lightly, kissing Sherlock on the lips.

Sherlock chuckled, biting John's lower lip. "What do you want to do? Go buy the rings? Eating?", he asked, drawing back a little.

John resisted every urge to take Sherlock, blushing. "It's up to you, is it not?"

"No", he said, frowning slightly. "There is something you are keeping away from me…", he muttered, trying to read John. "What is it? What do you want to do?"

He reached up, stroking Sherlock's curls. "Now whose over thinking? Sherlock, I want you happy ok? And I'm not sure your whole plan, that's why I didn't want to ruin anything."

"I always over think", Sherlock said, smiling sweetly. "I want you happy too. And I don't really have a plan, I just… wanted to do something with you. Whatever it is"

John couldn't help but smile. Sherlock was treating him as human, nice. Of course, his other girlfriends have always done that, but with Sherlock it was different. He loved it, appreciated it. "Oh, right," he sat up, kissing Sherlock's lips, "I suppose we can go out to eat and then get the rings. Of course if that's okay with you."

"It is", Sherlock smiled, excited. It had been three years since the last time he went out with John. Even eating sounded good if the doctor was with him. "We are sticky, thought. It doesn't disgust me, but I assume your 'clean-doctor' part is not ok with that. Shower?"

John chuckled. He had nearly forgotten what they did. "If only you join me," he said with a smile.

Sherlock blushed, nodding in silence. He kissed John on the cheek and got up the bed, preparing everything for their shower. "Coming?"

John slowly slipped out of the bed, walking towards Sherlock. "Of course."

Sherlock's eyes traveled up and down John, blushing. He walked into the shower, taking John's hand and bringing him under the water.

John smiled, the water feeling good on his cold skin. He held Sherlock to him, chuckling.

Sherlock closed his eyes, pressing his cheek against John's head. He had never thought that something so ordinary could be so… fascinating.

John stroked Sherlock's wet skin, feeling as if it was pure silk. He closed his eyes, listening to the other's heartbeat.

Without breaking the moment, Sherlock took the soap and spread some onto his hands, massaging John's shoulders and back.

John nearly let out a moan, the simple touch was calming, almost memorizing. He closed his eyes slightly, gripping Sherlock around the waist.

Sherlock smiled, washing John's stomach now. Eventually, he would have to get down to wash John's legs, but he didn't want to break the embrace.

John as if sensing this tightened his embrace over Sherlock, a smile on his face. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too", Sherlock breathed, kissing John slightly. Well, there wasn't any urge to wash his legs, right?


	7. Chapter 7

John smiled, kissing Sherlock as he slightly loosened his embrace so the man could do what he pleased.

_Am I that transparent?_, Sherlock thought. Smiling one last time, he got to his knees, cleaning John's leg. He specially avoided looking at his crotch, or they wouldn't make it to the restaurant.

John laid his head back, smiling. He felt his body react to Sherlock being on his knees, but he ignored it. He ran a hand through Sherlock's curls. He took a bottle of shampoo and poured some on Sherlock's head. He gently ran his fingers through it, making sure not to tug on any set of curls.

Sherlock closed his eyes for a moment, paying all his attention to John's hands. Of course, he had seen the effect of his own touch on John's body… but this moment was so much more than that. He continued to wash his legs, leaning up to kiss John's navel.

John let out a low sound, gently moving his hands around Sherlock's curls. Gods, this was too perfect.

Sherlock kissed up John's stomach, getting up. He looked down at John through the water and leaned down to kiss him, slow and deep, untangling his hands in his soft hair.

John kissed Sherlock deeply, moving his hands to run down the detective's back.

Sherlock finished washing John's hair, and laid his hands in John's hips, silently telling the doctor it was his turn.

John let out a smile, washing the soap from his body. He turned to Sherlock, wrapping his arms around the slender man. He lathered his body in soap, blush on his cheeks.

Sherlock smiled, staring at John intensely. When his hands touched him, his eyes fell closed, and his mouth opened a bit, repressing a moan.

John smiled at Sherlock, kissing the base of his neck and moving on his way down to his legs. He avoided looking at his crotch, knowing how much he wanted him.

Sherlock sighted, looking down at him. He placed one hand on John's head, running his fingers over John's hair. _I love you_, he thought, not daring to say it out loud and break their moment.

John slowly stood up, placing a kiss on Sherlock's lips. He allowed the water to wash away the suds, his eyes closed as he listened to the other man's heartbeat.

Sherlock kissed John's temple and began to dry them with a towel, rubbing his hair with care. He slid the towel to John's neck and brought him to Sherlock, kissing him.

A chuckle was brought out of John as their lips met. He blushed, looking Sherlock in the eyes.

Staring into John's eyes, Sherlock doubted if eating was really necessary. He smiled and ran one finger over his blushed cheek. "We have to get out", he whispered.

John nodded, taking the towel to gently dry Sherlock's hair and body. He smiled as the curls fell into his face. "Yes," he breathed, "We do."

Sherlock shacked his head to get his curls out of his eyes and stepped out. He took again John's hand and pulled him out. The doctor almost fell and crashed against Sherlock's chest.

John blushed, looking up from being pressed against Sherlock's chest. He felt his heartbeat pick up and smiled.

Sherlock pecked John and headed for the bedroom. In less than 10 minutes, they were walking to Angelo's.

John smiled, holding Sherlock's hand.

They ordered their food and stayed in silence, staring at each other over the table.

John took Sherlock hands in his own. He didn't care of the looks they got, the whispers that went around them.

"People are really going to talk now", Sherlock joked, squeezing his hands, just when the waiter arrived.

John chuckled softly, shrugging. "They always talked before. What's the difference now?"

"Now it's true", he smiled, not even looking at the waiter. They began eating, looking at each other.

John chuckled softly into his food. "Sherlock," he said softly after the silence, "What do you plan to do?"

Sherlock frowned. Plan? For tonight, or for their relationship in general? "Plan?", he asked.

John swallowed the bit of food in his mouth, taking a drink to buy himself some time and thought. "Well, I mean...in general. Our relationship. Tonight. The future."

Oh, everything, then, Sherlock thought. Of course, John wanted to be reassured that he was serious with their relationship. "I plan of being with you for the rest of my life, if you want me", he breathed. "The future… I guess I will return to my job. And tonight, I told you before. I want you to take me", he said, blushing at the last part.

John nodded, avoiding Sherlock's eyes. He let the words sink in. He was nervous, embarrassed. Nervous for Sherlock wanting him and embarrassed he had made Sherlock repeat himself. "Are you sure...? About everything Sherlock." He let a sigh slip from him. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you as well, but...your job? Who knows your alive besides me?" He avoided the last part, letting the blush speak for itself.

Dam. He had made John feel nervous. What had he done wrong? He squeezed his hand, trying to calm him. "I am completely sure, John. Mycroft knows and… Molly", he said. "I won't return to my job tomorrow. It will take a while, but I will", he said. Was John opposed to that? Or maybe he didn't want to take him…

John let the breath he was holding go. He squeezed Sherlock's hand, a smile on his face. "It's okay. You don't have to return right away. Mycroft...he's been paying the rent after I quit.." he said softly, "And Molly? No wonder she refused to come around me.."

"She did want to tell you, but I didn't allow her", he said. "I asked Mycroft to pay the rent. I wanted you to stay in 221B", he confessed. "You don't want me to work again", he guessed. "You think I'll get hurt"

John stroked Sherlock's hands gently. "I would've staid regardless and I don't think Mrs. Hudson would've kicked me out. Even if I couldn't pay rent." He let out a soft sigh. "No, Sherlock. I do. I'm serious. I want you to work-but I want to join you. If that's okay."

If that's _okay_?! John was specially slow tonight. "I won't work again if you are not with me", he said, frowning. Wasn't it obvious? "You are the best part of it. No one has called me brilliant in the last years", he complained, pouting.

John chuckled, a smile on his lips. "Well," he said slowly and softly, "You are brilliant. You know you are. You /died/ just to save my life. You saved me twice Sherlock." He smiled, kissing Sherlock's hand.

Sherlock blushed. He had been teasing, but if John complimented him right now, he wasn't going to complain. He ran his finger over John's lips. "Twice?"

John allowed the blush to rise as he looked into the man's eyes. "When we first met, of course and...when you jumped." The words were hard to say, but Sherlock deserved to know.

Sherlock nodded. He knew that had been hard to say for him… but John needed to get used to the idea. "You saved me too", he muttered. "I didn't know what to do. I wanted to move, but I didn't have money. I was into everything I could get, smoking, drugs… but, with you, I… didn't need to"

John let the smile creep across his face. "Sherlock," he said softly, letting the name purr over his tongue, "I am your drug from now on. You do not need to do any of this. Hurt yourself because-because of your stimulating mind."

Sherlock shivered. John purring was… fascinating. John _ordering _him was just too much. "Stimulate me, then", he said in his deep baritone voice.

John allowed the shiver to fill his body, control his mind before he grinned. Gods, that voice, his deep voice. Ordering him, damn it was almost too much. "How would you like me to do that?" he purred softly.

Sherlock bit his lips, looking at John's mouth and then back up to his darkened blue eyes. How? God, that was a dangerous question. He smirked, leaning forward so they were closer. "Anyhow you want, _captain_"

John leaned into Sherlock, their foreheads touching. Captain, calling him captain. That did it. He bit his lip hard to stop any sound coming from him. In public. "That's very hard to think of in public, Sherlock. Do even act upon, Sherlock. Without...doing it." He let the words roll out of his mouth. He likes being ordered, eh? "Order the rest of this to go. And we will /walk/ home."

Oh. That was all Sherlock could really think. He swallowed and blushed hard, his mouth slightly opened. "Jimmy!", he called the waiter, his heart beating fast. They both got their coats on and began walking back to 221. A million images ran in Sherlock's head as he took John's hand in his. He couldn't even imaging what they would do once they arrived home.

He squeezed Sherlock's hands, nearly chuckling at his reaction. "Good boy," purred John with a grin. They walked together, a bit slow. "When we get home, go straight into our room. Strip." He said the word soft, but with authority in it,

Oh, God. Was he even going to make it home without coming in his pants? Sherlock breathed faster and he closed his eyes to calm himself. "Yes, sir", he nodded in a submissive tone, looking at John

John bit his lip harder. "Good boy, Sherlock, good boy," he purred softly. They were on Baker Street by now.

Sherlock bit his lip to keep himself from moaning. In a flash, he opened the door and climbed up the stairs. He got to his room before John, and he strip as his doctor had ordered him to. Breathing hard, he stayed in the center of the room, waiting for John.

John smiled to himself as he heard Sherlock upstairs. He made sure to take his time in making it up the stairs before slowly going into their room. He looked Sherlock over fast then carefully, taking in every detail. He walked around him as if a statue, allowing the grin to stretch over his face. "Sherlock, has no one told you that you are beautiful? So gorgeous? I could simply stare at you all day and never, ever get bored."

Sherlock swallowed, not moving an inch, as John studied him. John was staring at him like he was going to eat Sherlock alive. Not that he would mind, of course. Sherlock shook his head in silence, because no, no one has ever told him that. Freak, ugly, yes. But beautiful?

John moved quickly and was in Sherlock's face, reading his eyes. He licked his lips, watching Sherlock's reaction. "Because you are," he continued, "Absolutely beautiful. You're perfect. Every little detail of your body, Sherlock. Every little movement you make. Your mind is brilliant, you are everything. And you are _mine." _He growled the last word, meeting Sherlock's eyes.

Sherlock blushed from head to toe. He felt the urge to close his eyes, but he didn't want to stare away from John's heated eyes. He was so hard by now, it almost hurt. Being naked in front of John should have been awkward, but he was glad he had removed his clothes by now. Sherlock was beginning to feel far too warm right then. He nodded this time, bowing his head a little in submission.

John let out a smile. He moved really close to Sherlock, feeling the heat. He could smell him. Gods, he smelled divine. He gently laid a kiss, a soft kiss on Sherlock's lips, moving down his jaw line and to his neck. He bit his neck gently, allowing his cool tongue to travel over the red marked skin.

Sherlock held his breath as John moved closer. He tried to deepen the kiss, but John had already moved to his neck, making his gasp. He closed his eyes now, paying all his attention to John's touch. All he wanted to do was take John to the bed and remove all his cloths, but John didn't order that, so he stayed still, waiting. The feel of John's tongue was too much, and he moaned out loud. "Mm John…"

"Ah, no sound, Sherlock," he ordered in a low voice in the Detective's ear, "No movement. No sound." He bit Sherlock's shoulder, allowing the red mark to show. He licked it gently again, loving the way Sherlock's body trembled. Gods, he was hard, he could feel it against his leg. He looked down, seeing Sherlock's cock.

Sherlock bit his lip to do what John's said. His body shook completely as John bit and licked him, but otherwise he didn't move. He ached to move toward John and press himself against him, to get some friction, but he didn't want to upset him. When John looked down, Sherlock stop breathing, nervous, trying to guess John's next move.

John knelt down suddenly, taking Sherlock's length in his mouth. He licked the head gently, sucking. Gods, Sherlock tasted good. He took his whole length down his throat, sucking him. Gods, he wanted more, needed more. He wanted Sherlock.

"J-", Sherlock almost moaned, his hands reaching for John's head. His eyes went wide and he began to breath faster. He growled deep in his throat when John took all of him. He could barely stand up. His knees shook dangerously, daring to give up.

John pulled away quickly, a grin on his face. Gods, he loved to tease Sherlock. "Undress me," he said simply, "And do not be quick about it." He allowed the blush on his cheeks, looking Sherlock over.

God, back to the orders, apparently. Sherlock lifted his hands and took John's coat off, dropping him to the floor. His hands flew then to the base of his jumper, but John had asked for slow. His fingers teased John's skin under his jumper, playing with the waistband of his trouser. He dug one finger in until he brushed John's pubic hair, and then retired immediately, getting the jumper over John's head.

John bit back a moan. Christ, Sherlock was teasing him. Just like he teased Sherlock. He watched the jumper fall to the floor with a grin.

John was _grinning_. He had to try harder. When the jumper was off, he began to unbutton his shirt with shaky fingers. He leaned down then, and kissed John's chest, going lower as the buttons were undone. When he arrived to the last, he fell to his knees and looked up. He got John's trouser lower on his hips, and licked all the way from one hip to another with the tip of his tongue.

John bit back a moan, allowing his body to tremble. "Sherlock," he said through gritted teeth. Christ, it felt good, torture, teasing. He reached down to try to undo his trousers, lowing them.

Sherlock took hold of the trousers, keeping them where they were. He smirked up at John. "Slow, John", he purred. He kissed his navel and slipped down the zipper as slow as he could. When it was completely down, he lowered the trousers and they fell to John's feet, leaving him in his underwear and his open shirt. Sherlock leaned forward and licked John through the thin layer.

John let out a soft moan, gripping Sherlock's hair gently. He slipped his shirt off, closing his eyes. "Sherlock," he moaned softly.

Sherlock smiled before getting down John's underwear, revealing him. Licking his lips, he leaned forward and took John all the way down his throat, growling. He went back up, his teeth grazing slightly John's member. Before the doctor could protest, he stood up, looking down at him. "You are undress now"

John let out a gasp, having to grasp Sherlock to stand up right. "R-right," he said, the blood rushing up to his face. He cleared his throat and closed his eyes. "Right, yes," he said again, attempting to return his fuzzy mind to normal.

"Mhm", Sherlock murmured, smirking. John wasn't grinning now, was he? "Where do you want me?", he asked in a silky voice, pretending to be completely relaxed… but he was scared to death right. It was his first time, after all.

John smiled, looking Sherlock over. "Lay down, please." He saw the look in his eyes. "Calm down."

Sherlock did as he was told, breathing deep. He tried to relax, but he was tense all over. He reached a hand to John, trying to catch him. "Com'here", he muttered.

John gently moved to Sherlock, laying them on the bed. He felt nervous nearly as much as Sherlock felt.

Sherlock kissed John sweetly, pulling him on top of Sherlock gently. He spread his legs open to give some space for the doctor. "Please, John"

John kissed Sherlock, hoping he didn't look as nervous as Sherlock felt. He kissed his way down his neck, chest, and stomach, stopping when he came to face his member. He smiled up at Sherlock.

Sherlock looked down and tried to smile… failing miserably. He was so nervous he couldn't even control his body. He could tell John was just like he was, but he didn't comment anything. "John..", he moaned in a pleading tone.

John smiled very softly and took Sherlock into his mouth. He needed Sherlock to relax, to trust him. He took Sherlock's member in his mouth, humming softly to enhance the vibration. He knew he loved it.

"Oh god", Sherlock murmured, closing his eyes for a second. He looked down at John, his mouth slightly opened. John was _moaning_ around him, it was just… "I can't even think", he breathed, his hand reaching for John's soft hair.

John could feel himself smiling as he slowly pulled away. "That's what I want," he whispered, kissing Sherlock's lips and moving to his shoulder, his chest, "I need you to relax. This will be painful if not."

Sherlock nodded, trying to do what John said. He was trembling all over, however. /Stop it, this is John/, he thought. He trusted him with everything. No reason be nervous. He felt his body relax almost immediately. "I trust you"

John smiled, seeing how Sherlock relaxed. He grabbed the bottle of lube from the table and gently placed a good amount on his hand, his fingers. He arranged Sherlock how he needed and gently rubbed outside of the hole he needed. He looked at Sherlock, waiting for permission.

Sherlock shivered at John touch, gasping. When his eyes met John's blue ones, he nodded again nervously. "Please, John", he moaned. He needed him to be as close as possible. Right now.


	8. Chapter 8

John gently press one finger into Sherlock, judging his reaction. He was being gentle as Sherlock needed, blushing softly.

Sherlock frowned slightly. It didn't quite hurt, it was just… uncomfortable. But he had seen John's earlier reaction, he knew it will feel good, so he let John continue. "I'm not going to break"

John couldn't help, but chuckle. "I know that, Sherlock. I just don't want to hurt you. Or make you nervous." He moved his finger around a little, being gentle. When Sherlock became loose enough, he slowly slipped another finger inside of Sherlock.

Sherlock moaned louder this time, griping the sheets. "You won't hurt me", he breathed. He brought John's head toward himself, trying to get John closer. "Kiss me?"

John smiled at Sherlock, kissing his lips sweetly. He moved his fingers a bit more, trying to be a bit more gentle. "I know," he breathed, "But this is your first time."

Sherlock kissed John back, smiling up at him. He bit his lip to keep from moaning. "Yes. With you", he said, breathless. He closed his eyes for a moment, just feeling John. "It feels so good."

John felt the blush rise on his cheeks. Why did he feel so nervous? This was just Sherlock. He kissed Sherlock deeply as he continued the movements. He wanted to go more, do more, but he didn't want to hurt Sherlock.

Sherlock smiled, caressing John's hot cheek. He groaned and kissed him back, placing his hand on the doctor's neck, bringing him in. He moved his hips in time with John's fingers, trying to get more friction. "I'm fine now. Take me", he murmured against John's lip, sounding like an order.

John felt the blush rise on his cheeks. He slowly pulled his fingers out and took the bottle of lube again. He applied a generous amount to his cock and Sherlock's hole. He aligned himself and met Sherlock's eyes. He slowly pressed his way in, gasping at how hot and tight he felt.

Sherlock felt his heart beating fast as he watched John touching himself. He opened his legs to make more space for John. When he met John's eyes, he relaxed a bit and then John began to push in. Fuck, it hurt. Sherlock closed his eyes and griped the sheets, moaning in pain slightly.

John watched Sherlock carefully as he thrusted a little. He was trying to be gentle, trying to make sure Sherlock wasn't in that much pain.

Sherlock took John's head, griping his hair. He tried to relax, knowing that it would be more painful if he didn't. His other hand went for John's hip, bringing him in. "John.."

John resisted a groan as he felt the tug from his hair. He needed Sherlock to relax. John thrusted a little more, moaning Sherlock's name carefully.

Sherlock moaned, biting his lower lip. His nails dug into John's flesh. There would be bruises tomorrow, but he couldn't care less. "Come in", he whispered, forcing John forward with his legs, gasping when John bottomed out.

John couldn't resist the moan anymore as he thrust again and again. He was trying to be gentle for Sherlock's sake, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back.

Sherlock's eyes went wide. Everything he could feel was John, surrounding him. "God", he moaned, using his hand in John's head to bring him down, kissing him deeply. Experimentally, he began to move his hips in time with John's, groaning.

John kissed Sherlock back with as much desire and hunger he felt. He started to thrust a little harder, making sure he didn't push Sherlock too much. "Sherlock," he moaned between kisses. It felt too good, too perfect. He knew he wasn't going to hold on for so long. He reached between them, gripping Sherlock's cock in his hand and started to stroke him.

"J-John", Sherlock stuttered. It was such a… incredible thing, feeling John inside him and touching him at the same time. Almost too much. He could tell John wasn't going to last much, judging by his movements, but he wasn't, either. But he knew John was being gentle… too gentle to take him over the edge. "Harder, John", he breathed.

John obeyed Sherlock's command. He thrusted hard as he dared, trying to still be gentle to the man beneath him. He knew he wasn't going to last much longer, but he was trying to hold out for Sherlock's sake. He started to stroke Sherlock's cock faster with each thrust, a moan tearing from his lips.

"Yes John", Sherlock moaned, his sight blurring. He kept repeating John's name as he gripped his hips, pulling him harder into him each time. He was almost there, but he wanted this to last forever. However, as John sped up, Sherlock couldn't hold back any longer. He came on John's hand, shouting the doctor's name.

"Fuck, Sherlock!" he screamed as he came. He collapsed against Sherlock's chest, not caring it was sticky. He panted hard, listening to Sherlock's breath and heartbeat. It was almost too much.

Sherlock's arms went around John immediately, keeping him there. He tried to slow down his breathing, the images of the last hour or so repeating in his head. "That was…", he trailed off, breathless. He couldn't even find the correct word. God, he wanted this every night. Maybe they could switch places…

John felt himself smile, starting to laugh. "Amazing? Memorable?" he offered, struggling to slow his breath down. He couldn't. He didn't care. He felt warm, happy in Sherlock's arms.

"Brilliant. Dazzling. Astonishing", he murmured against John sandy hair, breathing him in. "I love you so much, John."

John smiled, tears close to coming. "I love you too, Sherlock. Very much."

Sherlock looked down at him, kissing his temple. "John, don't cry", he whispered, frowning. Had he said something wrong?

John smiled softly. "I'm just...happy, Sherlock. I'm that happy. I'm not upset." He tried explaining. He tried sitting up, but he was too weak, too tired.

"No, don't go", Sherlock said immediately, tightening his grasp on John, keeping him where he was. "I.. I am happy too. Not just for this, I am happy with you"

John smiled, kissing Sherlock's chest. "I wasn't trying to leave," he said, "I was trying to sit up so I could see your face. Never would I want to leave your side."

Sherlock rolled them so John lay at his side, looking down at him. They could see each other faces, but there was no way Sherlock's arm were out of John anytime soon. "Good. Because you are stuck with me", he smiled.

John smiled, kissing Sherlock's lips. "I think I wouldn't mind that," he admitted, "I feel rather safe in your arms."

Sherlock returned the smile, feeling the blush rising to his cheeks. "I don't want to let go of you. Ever", he said, caressing his back. "Is that weird?"

John shook his head. Of course, Sherlock was a stranger to love, to this affection. "No, Sherlock it isn't. Its' normal."

Oh, normal. "I'm not used to normal", he smiled. "I have never felt this way… it's not as I imagined it would be. Love", he said, the word almost foreign.

John smiled at his words, kissing on what skin he could reach of Sherlock's. "Love comes different to everyone. And...I didn't think you could...love."

Sherlock looked down at him sweetly. "I didn't. You changed that. I thought it would slow me down but... I was wrong"

John smiled at Sherlock's words. He felt his heart beat faster, blush rising on his cheeks. "I would never slow you down. If anything, I'm struggling to keep up."

Sherlock smirked, rolling them so he was on top of John. He kissed his jaw line, growling softly. 'Mine', he thought. "You do. You are the only one that does. You are my drug, remember? You… stimulate me", he admitted, flushing.

John smiled up at Sherlock. "I think this is the only drug that I would allow," he said, kissing Sherlock's lips, "Me. You are mine and I won't let anyone take you away."

Sherlock shivered slightly at John's words. "I never thought you'd be so possessive, doctor", he smirked.

John grinned as he looked into his lover's eyes. "I think...certain events changed me." He smiled. "Besides I can't live without my detective. No matter how annoying he can be."

Sherlock smiled shyly, hugging John to his chest. "And I can't live without you… my everything", he murmured, kissing John deeply. When he draw back, he added "You can be as possessive as you wish. I'm yours, even if you don't want me"

John studied him, shaking his head slightly. "Why would you say that, Sherlock? Of course I would want you. I will always want you! Christ, it took me /this/ long to realize I was in love with you." He kissed Sherlock deeply. "And...maybe, just maybe if I would've known sooner...then none of this would've happened."

Sherlock looked down, deciding not to answer to John question. He knew John would get tired of him and his experiments some day. He would leave. Marry. Get another family. "It would have been worse if you had", he said instead, staring into John's eyes. "Moriarty would have hurt you even more if he knew I loved you and you loved me. Maybe I would really be dead"

John saw the pain in his eyes and swallowed hard. He couldn't ruin this moment. Not now. "Sherlock," he said slowly, raising a hand up to stroke the curls, "You are too precious to me to ever lose." It was the honest truth. He held Sherlock to him tightly. "And he wouldn't kill you. You stimulate him. He enjoys these games.."

Sherlock buried his head into John's neck, closing his eyes. For once, he felt save in his arms. Loved. In that moment he didn't care if it lasted forever… he just enjoyed it. "He would kill you, and I would kill myself. Or he would force me to suicide, making me see… that he is more clever than me. That he can beat me"

John gripped Sherlock's face gently in his hands-on. "I won't allow you to speak in such a way. He won't beat you. He's not more clever then you. Evil, heartless, yes but he is not more clever. There are ways to beat him."

Sherlock placed one hand over John, interlacing their fingers together. "Being heartless is what makes him capable of beat me", he reasoned. "He doesn't care about anyone, so he has nothing to lose. I thought I was the same, but… I'm obviously not".

"And that's the glory of it, " he purred, "You're human. He is not. He tries not to be. But he does seem to have a weakness. Moran. Unless he's dead..." He frilled Sherlock's hand gently.

Sherlock lip twitched. "Moran is dead" he simply said avoiding the part of him being the murderer. He had the first one of Sherlock's victims. "Being human makes me weak", he breathed. "But it's worth it if I have you"

John shook his head. How would he get through to this stubborn man? "Sherlock, you are not weak. You are the most human person I know." The Words he spoke at the graveyard stuck out in his mind.

Sherlock smiled widely at that, his eyes watering slightly as he remembered that moment at the graveyard. "I know. I heard you", he murmured. "But you are wrong", he said, smirking.

John swallowed hard again. Sherlock had heard him. Of course he did, it didn't matter. "I'm wrong?" he questioned, "About what?"

"Me", he replied, looking down at their entwined hands. "I am not the most human person. You are, John", he stated, lifting his gaze to stare right into John's warm eyes.

John shook his head. "You are human Sherlock, more than I am. You might just refuse to see it..." he kissed his lipase gently.

Sherlock bit his lip slightly, kissing him back. "You are perfect", he said matter of factly. "Just drop it, John. You know I more stubborn that you"

He chuckled. "Mmm, that you are." He rolled them to their side. "I must ask...about Moriarty. Is he dead? "

Sherlock sighed, shaking his head. "I… returned before I could kill him. I wasn't planning of coming back till next month, but…", he trailed off, lifting one eyebrow at John. "But I am going to kill him. I swear. He won't hurt you"

John felt his heart beat rise. "You're going to leave me again..."

Sherlock sat up suddenly, looking down at him startled. "What?! No, I'm not!", he said in a high pitched voice. "Of course I am not, John. I am going to kill him so we don't have to be afraid anymore."

John slowly sat up, gripping Sherlock's hand gently. "I offended you, " he said softly, "I'm sorry. But you will leave me...in order to kill him. You have to leave my side wont you? "

"You didn't offend me", he whispered, caressing his cheek. "I'll… well, yes, I will have to go a few days to kill him. But it won't be long. I promise"

John immediately shook his head, feeling shock run through his body. "I won't allow it, " he said at once.

Sherlock frowned slightly at that. "I don't want to do it. I don't want to leave you. But I have to, John", he said slowly, as if he was talking with a child. "I won't leave in the same world as James Moriarty."

John looked down at his hands. He felt broken. "Then let me come with. Please. I can help. I won't live without you."

"No", Sherlock said immediately, a little more forcefully than he had intended. "I won't risk losing you. You won't have to live without me, it will be only a few days…", he added in a more gentle tone.

He closed his eyes. He was loosing this argument. "This is Moriarty, Sherlock! If he doesn't know you love me or I love You by now then he will soon! "

Sherlock cringed a little at John's words. "That is another argument for my opinion", he said, keeping his voice down. He had to make John understand.

He closed his eyes tightly, he was trying to calm down. "And if I went with you anyway ...?" He knew he was being stupid, stubborn.

"I would take you home again", Sherlock finished, leaning down so his forehead touched John's. "John, I will even call Mycroft if you try to come with me"

He felt the pressure from Sherlock 's head on his. He swallowed hard. "Fine, " he said after some silence, "Fine. Okay? "

Sherlock smiled, relieved. He kissed John's lips chastely. "I don't want you to be upset. I love you, John. And if I lose you… I'll go insane"

He kissed him back with a sigh. He understood where Sherlock stood. "When?" He masked softly.

"I am not sure. Mycroft is tracking him down, and we will arrange a date when we know where he stays normally", he replied, pushing John down onto the bed again. "Not tomorrow", he smiled.

John smiled slightly. Sherlock would be gone soon. He wouldn't be beside him. He could die. The thought hurt him worse than anything. _To have him and lose him once again, _he thought. "Yes, " he breathed.

"You won't lose me, John", Sherlock reassured him, reading his face expression perfectly. "I won't let myself die knowing that you are here… waiting for me"

"I always waited for you, " he stated, closing his eyes. He felt mentally drained. He knew if he slept that there would be nightmares. He wasn't able to deal with them.

"I tried to convince myself that you did every day", Sherlock whispered, running his hand over John's stomach. "You are tired", he said, looking down at him. "You can sleep if you want".

John shivered at Sherlock's touch but he shook his head. "No, " he said softly, "I'm fine. Besides you won't sleep. You have that look in your eyes again.."

Sherlock smirked, looking down at him. "I like to watch you sleep… what look?"

He sighed softly. "The look of you not sleeping for days on end." He couldn't resist a yawn.

Sherlock laughed softly. "I slept yesterday, so there is no need to sleep in the next… three days", he said, kissing John's belly. "But you do need it. I will be here if you have nightmares".

He sighed softly. He did feel tired. He couldn't ignore it anymore. He nodded and closed his eyes. "I love you, " he mumbled

"I love you, John", Sherlock whispered back, not sure if John heard him. He lay down next to him, staring at his rising chest, and smiled happily.

John slept on, wrapping an arm around Sherlock 's chest.


	9. Chapter 9

Six hour after, Sherlock was texting madly on his phone. For god's sake, Mycroft could be annoying sometimes, he thought as he dropped the phone to the bedside table softly, trying not to wake John up.

John let out a soft groan. He was slowly waking up. He Could tell it was still very early. He still felt exhausted.

"Shh, sleep", Sherlock whispered in his ear, drawing up the sheet on John.

John smiled, pressing his face into Sherlock's side as he fell deeper into sleep.

Sherlock felt John stirring two hours after. Sherlock knew he couldn't make him sleep more... But he didn't want John awake. He had bad news for him.

John's eyes slowly opened. He stretched and yawned. He hadn't slept this good in years. He looked over at Sherlock, sitting up to rest his head on the others shoulder. "Good morning, love."

"Morning", Sherlock replied, trying to smile. He paced his arm over John's shoulders and kissed his head. "Did you sleep good?"

He smiled leaning into Sherlock. "Better than I have in years." He nuzzled Sherlock neck.

He slowly pulled away, his heart fell as he struggled to breath. "What...did he say?"

Sherlock looked up at him before answering. "They have found Moriarty. Not very far away from him"

John pulled away completely. He looked down at his hands. He knew this was to come. He swallowed hard. "Oh..."

"I'm sorry", Sherlock sais immediately. "I didn't know it would be this soon...", he trailed off. "Please don't me upset".

John swallowed hard. He wiped his eyes. He wouldn't cry. It was already hard enough. He didn't need to make it harder on Sherlock. This wasn't his fault. "It's ok," he said, his voice not holding emotion, "You didn't know... At least I had some warning. And-and didn't wake up with you gone.."

Sherlock lifted his hand and wiped John's cheeks. "Don't play strong, John. You know you can't fool me", he whispered. He leant down to kiss him sweetly. "I wouldn't go without saying goodbye"

He felt the lips on his and kissed back, kissing him gently. "I know you wouldn't," he muttered. He still wouldn't' show emotions. This /had/ to happen. He knew it.

"I love you", Sherlock whispered. "And I'll miss you. Everyday", he confessed, knowing that his tough military doctor wouldn't the first to say his feelings

John swallowed hard, looking back up at Sherlock. Christ, it already hurt to look at him. To think of the impossible. "I love you, Sherlock. I really do.. I will miss you. When-when do you leave?"

"I should already have", he confessed. He pulled John into a warm hug, burying his face on John's neck. "Don't even think for a second that I won't be back".

He swallowed hard. This would be difficult for him. Very difficult. He could already feel it. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock, holding him tight as if that would prevent him from going. A childish thought, but he couldn't help, but think that. "I-I know you will."

Sherlock held him, kissing his temple. "Would it be better if I texted you with news?", he said warmly. John would know he was alive.

He nodded, feeling the hot lips on his cold skin. "P-please. I-I know how dangerous it is for you.. I know how dangerous it-it would be. But I'd like s-some news. M-maybe not e-every day, but...n-news none the less." his voice was breaking, he cursed himself.

Its more dangerous to leave him alive", he said. God John sounded close to tears. "I'll text you everyday John. Even more than once if I can. Will you answer me?"

He couldn't look into the man's eyes. He /was/ close to tears, he wouldn't let the other see. It would hurt them both. "Of course I would! No matter what I'm doing."

"Look at me", Sherlock asked as gentle as he could. "If I don't text one day go talk to Mycroft. He would know"

John slowly pulled away, looking in the younger man's eyes. "I-I will," he promised.

Sherlock stared into his watery eyes, feeling his own watering too "I have to go", he said, getting up and wiping his eyes.

John watched him a numb feeling over coming him. He struggled to push the emotions aside. He slowly got out of the bed. "I'll...I'll walk you to the door," he said, numb.

Sherlock took the bag he had prepared while John was asleep and followed the doctor outside. When they reached the principal door, Sherlock stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. "I don't want to leave", he confessed, dropping the bag to the floor and holding John one more time.

John wrapped his arms around Sherlock. Gods, this couldn't end. He couldn't' go. He felt a sob rise from him, but he fought against it and the tears. "You-you have to," he said at least, "I-I don't want you to either, but if-if we are to be safe then-then you have to go." He couldn't believe he was saying it, urging Sherlock to go. He knew he was right, Sherlock knew it too, but they couldn't be without the other.

Sherlock smiled sadly. "My strong doctor", he whispered, drawing back and kissing John slow and deep, moaning his name against his lips. "When I get this over with, we will be together, John. And no one between us", he promised, stepping away.

John kissed back, shivering at the mention of his name. Gods, he needed Sherlock. He wanted him. He couldn't' do this. "I-I know. You will do anything t-to keep us safe." He watched Sherlock step away, handing him his bag. "Please be safe."

Sherlock took the bag, his hand grazing John's. He looked up one more time into his blue eyes. If he didn't go know, he wouldn't be strong enough to do it. "I love you", he finally said, taking the doorknob and yanking the door open.

"I love you too," he said after Sherlock. He watched him leave. He watched him walk down the steps. He couldn't follow. He wouldn't' allow himself to. He knew what would happen. He took in a shuddering breath. Christ, this was going to be hard.


	10. Chapter 10

Sherlock walked to the street, step by step. All the way he resisted the urge to look back, to return home, to kiss John... but he didn't. He kept walking, not looking back until 221B was kilometers away.

John slid down the wall, until he was sitting down. His head was in his hands. He was sobbing. He couldn't stop. Sherlock was gone and there was a chance he wasn't coming back.

Sherlock stared out of the taxi window, not really seeing anything. He couldn't stop thinking about John, about Moriarty, even about his brother… He closed his eyes for a second, trying to get his ideas organized. He could do this. And he will. No matter how hard it would be not having John by his side this time, he thought as he paid the cabbie and entered the Diogenes Club.

John took in a shuddering breath. It was several hours since Sherlock had left. He debated on texting Lestrade or even Mycroft because he didn't know if he could make last without him. He slowly stood up, gripping the wall. Gods, he felt weak, even ill now. He had to get his mind straight, he had to calm down. Sherlock would be okay. Sherlock would return home.

It was the first afternoon after he left when Sherlock send the first text to John. He spend five whole minutes to get it done.

I am staying at Mycroft's tonight. No need to worry about me until tomorrow. I can't tell you where Moriarty is (Mycroft says its confidential), but I can tell you that he is not very far from here. I promise you that I'll try to remember to eat and sleep. Good night, John. I love you -SH

John looked at the text. He hadn't left the flat since Sherlock left. Mrs. Hudson made sure to remind John to eat. It was harder then he thought. John closed his eyes, reminding himself to calm down. This meant Sherlock was alive. Sherlock was safe for now. He wanted to go straight to Mycroft's to see him, but he knew he would ruin everything. He rubbed his leg without noticing it and sent back a text.

Thank you. I prayed that you are safe. Please, Sherlock. you know I love you. I just want. No I need you safe. I just want this to be over with. Please remember to eat and sleep. You have to be on alert with him. I love you so much. JW

Sherlock read the text immediately, smiling stupidly to his phone.

Don't pray, John, it doesn't work. I promise I'll try to be as safe as possible. Don't worry about that, Mycroft's controls me constantly. He is so annoying. I need you safe too, so don't do something stupid like coming here. I know you have thought about it. I'll text you tomorrow. I love you, John –SH

Sherlock left his phone in his bedside table, laying down onto the soft bed, which seemed to big and cold without John in it. Shutting down his mind, he tried to sleep, knowing that tomorrow he would need energy.

John smiled at his phone. He sighed as he set the mug of tea down.

Good night, Sherlock. I love you. - JW

He shoved the phone in his pocket, standing up. He rubbed his leg again, sighing. He didn't need Sherlock to see him in the state he was. He needed to get out of the flat. It suddenly felt too small. He shrugged a jacket on, telling Mrs. Hudson he was going for a short walk and left the flat. He only planned to be gone for a few minutes, not long enough to do anything, but enough to calm his mind.

The next morning, Sherlock woke up with a start. It seemed Mycroft liked to listen to Bach at six o'clock in the morning. For once, he understood John. Shrugging on his dressing gown, he walked to the kitchen to find his brother drinking tea and reading the newspaper.

"Is there another war yet?", he asked, making himself a cup… witch reminded him of John immediately.

"Be careful, brother, you are not used to making tea for yourself. It can become a… complex task for beginners", he replied, not even glancing up at him. Sherlock rolled his eyes. This would be really hard.

John woke up the next morning sore. He had walked more then he intended, but he found himself exhausted and able to sleep when he returned. It was early, so he rolled back over and tried to sleep. The bed felt empty without Sherlock.

"Get ready, brother. We have a crime to commit", Mycroft added, while Sherlock forced the tea down his throat. He grunted in response, standing up and going to his room. In less than 15 minutes they were at the airport. Moriarty was in a little town in Liverpool this week. They had to get him before he changed of place.

On my way now. The game is on. I love you –SH

John read the text as he stepped outside of the bathroom. He had just gotten out of the shower and had a towel around his waist. He read the text and felt his legs weaken. He had to lean against the wall. He swallowed hard as he typed out a quick reply.

Be safe. I love you. - JW

Mycroft was telling Sherlock Moriarty's timetable when the flight started. Sherlock grimaced slightly, not used to the strange feeling in his stomach. He hated planes. And he hated not being able to contact with John.

"Sherlock, listen to me. John's safely depends on this. Stop thinking about him", Mycroft said suddenly. Sherlock simply nodded, listening carefully to his instructions.

John set the phone down. He rubbed his eyes. Gods, this was harder then he knew. He needed a distraction. Reading and walking wasn't going to help. He needed to get out of the flat. He sighed heavily. He didn't have many friends outside of Sherlock and strangely he liked that. He sent Lestrade a text, wondering if the older detective was free.

Greg, you free for a drink? I need a distraction right now. JW

It was almost 12 AM when Sherlock, Mycroft and all of his brother's people arrived at Liverpool's airport. Like most of them, it smelt like bag leather, oil and too much population. They got their luggage and climbed into one of Mycroft's black cars, getting to the hotel.

I'm here already. Safe and sound. What are you doing? I need some distraction from Mycroft. I love you –SH

John looked down at his phone. He was at a pub. Lestrade had to go back home, something about his ex-wife. He was grateful Lestrade left work early to have a drink with him. He was a good distraction, but now that he was alone it bothered him.

At the pub. Greg just left, something about his ex-wife. I love you. How is everything? What's Mycroft doing? - JW

Lestrade ex wife wants to recover their relationship because the PI teacher broke up with her. Everything is so boring here, John, I wish you were here. Mycroft is… well, being himself. He is making me memorize a million irrelevant details. Remember I love you –SH

Sherlock got the phone to his pocket before Mycroft got it away from him. Fortunately, they had two separates room in the hotel.

John smiled at his phone. He downed the rest of the drink, coughing as it went down. He was close to being drunk. He knew he should return to the flat soon.

How did you-you know what, never mind. I don't need to know how you know that. I know everything is boring, Sherlock, but it's almost over. And just pay attention to Mycroft, he could help you. Help us. I love you. And be nice to him-he doesn't have to help you. - JW

Of course he does, he is my brother. What else does he exist for? I'll try to listen to him, but just because you told me to. I love you. And return home, John, don't get drunk. We both know you'll have a headache tomorrow otherwise –SH

Sherlock send the text from his hotel room. He was sitting on the bed, the laptop balancing on his legs. His phone beeped suddenly… it was Mycroft again. Well, let the show begin.

I can already feel one forming, to be honest. I don't want to go back home. I rather wait for you somewhere else. It isn't right without you. I love you. - JW

John sighed heavily. Sherlock was right. He had to return home sooner or later. It was already late at night. He stood up, nearly stumbling. He rubbed at his leg and shuffled towards the door, already had payed the bill. He found himself walking along the streets of London, not returning to the flat yet.

John, return home right now. You want me save, but I want you save too. And wandering around London drunk is not the best way to begin our little separation. Text me when you get home. If you don't, I'll send one of Mycroft's girls to take you home. Please, John. I love you –SH

Sherlock cursed silently. Moriarty could have a man controlling John right now and the drunk doctor wouldn't even realize it. But he had other tasks at hand.

John sighed as he read the text. Yes, Sherlock was right. He was being stupid. He supposed he could make himself something eat to soothe his upset stomach and try to sleep the drunkenness off. He stumbled towards the front door, unlocking it and stumbling inside. He shut it behind him, sighing at the emptiness.

I'm home. I'm sorry for worrying you. Focus on task at hand. I love you. - JW

Thank you. I'm going to talk to Moriarty now. Stay at home and don't text me until I text you again. I love you –SH

Sherlock immediately received a text. It couldn't be John, so Mycroft then.

Be careful, brother –MH

Smiling, Sherlock got up and walked to the figure sitting in the bench in front of him. "Hello", Sherlock greeted Jim, seating next to him.

The text sent terror running through John. No chance in sleeping tonight, he thought as he collapsed on the couch. He felt sick now, a mixture of fear and the drinks hit him. He closed his eyes tightly, struggling to keep what little he had in him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the wait, guys! Three more chapters**

"Hello, dear", Moriarty said after a second… probably recovering himself from the surprise of seeing Sherlock. "May I know why you are here?"

"You know it already", Sherlock smiled, looking to the sky. He heard Jim laughing next to him.

"You came back from death to kill me? What a pleasant surpriiise", he said in a high pitched tone. "And how do you intend to do it?"

Time seemed to pass so slow as John looked at the clock every other minute. He tried watching telly but that was no use. He couldn't eat, he still felt sick with fear. The flat was too silent for his liking. He debated, wanted to get out and the silence was too much but he knew Sherlock wanted him to stay inside, his life could depend on it.

Sherlock smiled, looking back to the man beside him. "Oh, I don't intent to", he said.

Jim stared at him seriously, trying to decipher his words. When he didn't respond, Sherlock added.

"Why can't you say 'I don't know'?", he asked, returning Moriarty's words of the day of his trial.

"I don't know", Jim smirked madly, clearly thinking about that moment.

"It's going to be your style", Sherlock said. "I am going to talk to you. And then you are going to kill yourself"

Jim frowned. "How?"

John slowly sat up from the couch. He had stayed in that position long enough for his body to freeze up on him. He was sore. He looked outside at the rain falling. He could hear the rain hitting the window and the roof. It reminded him of how quiet it was.

"You have nothing else to live for, Jim. You said I was your distraction", Sherlock said.

"Oh, please, don't remind me. You were so… disappointing", Jim replied, faking a broken voice.

Sherlock smiled widely. Step 1 completed.

"But I wasn't, was I? I beated you. I made you think I was dead", Sherlock added. "Was it not you the one that talked about our final problem?"

Jim's eyes lit up with rage. "Staying alive", he whispered.

He slowly moved towards the showers. He had turned the telly on, just for noise. He heard movement down the stairs, reminding him that Mrs. Hudson was still awake. He turned the water on hot as he could bear and step in. The headache beating on his head slowly died away.

"We can't both live, Jim", Sherlock continued. "It was your rule. One of us had to die, the looser of our game. And I won, Jim".

Step two, completed.

Moriarty got up, walking around Sherlock like a satellite. One second he seemed about to burst and the next he smiled widely, his shoulder relaxing. "But I tricked you too, Sherlock. I made you jump. You really thought about Johnny boy… Maybe a start a new game for the two of you. I have heard that you have gotten quite close… about time, might I add".

Sherlock tried to breath calmly. Step three, completed.

The water nearly burned his skin as he tried to relax. He tried to keep his mind off of Sherlock. Off of what could happen. He stepped out from the shower nearly an hour later, wrapping a towel around him. The rain had at least stopped. The headache was back. He moved from the shower to the couch, collapsing on it with a tired sigh.

"You haven't", he said. "You didn't know I was alive until I walked right in front of you".

Moriarty's grimace was back. "One more time, I beat you".

Jim shook his head, smiling madly. "Wrong, Sherly", he said, startling Sherlock for the first time.

John closed his eyes. He had to force himself to sleep. He couldn't think of anything else he would do besides drive himself insane. He wrapped the towel tighter around him as he slowly started to drift off.

When Sherlock didn't respond, Jim laughed, staring at Sherlock with his dead, unfeeling eyes. "I control everything, darling. My men advised me about you… just a minute before you came, you got that one right", he smirked.

"What were you waiting for then?", Sherlock asked.

"I always wait for you", he replied, winking at him. "I had to tell you the new rules"

John slowly waved into an easy sleep. He knew he wouldn't sleep well or much at all, but if it passed a few hours without Sherlock then it would be fine.

"Which are?", he asked, trying not to miss a bit.

"We have to finish this thing between us, darling. In.. my style, as you said".

His style. Sherlock himself had taken the pink phone case to make Moriarty kill himself. Was he talking about…? "I presume you brought the pills?"

Jim grinned like a fool, taking them from his pocket and handing them to Sherlock.

"Shall we?"

John's eyes opened. Sleep was useless. Of course he wasn't able to sleep. He let out a harsh sigh and rubbed a hand through his hair. He closed his eyes, allowing his mind to wonder over to Sherlock.

Sherlock took one pill absently. He could handle this. He had to. "So, we kill ourselves. That's it?", he asked.

Jim smirked. "Is it not the sexier way of dying?", he said.

Sherlock shook his head from side to side. "So ordinary. I could just walk back to where I came from".

"But you won't", Jim disagreed. "You don't want me to hurt Johnny boy anymore, do you?"

He sighed heavily, opening his eyes. It hurt to think about him, he couldn't sleep. He slowly got up. He looked out the window, wishing he could go for a walk, but he had a promise to Sherlock. He stumbled into the kitchen, trying to concentrate long enough to make a cup of tea. He kept the towel around him, shivering a bit from the cold tiles. He figured he'd have to put on clothes some time.

Sherlock grimaced before he could control himself. "You haven't have time enough to get one of your men to him", he deduced quickly.

"They are on their way now", Jim replied, looking carelessly at the birds.

"So I guess that if I kill myself, John will live", Sherlock shrugged. Just like last time. You are repeating yourself", Sherlock sighed.

John sat down at the table with a mug of hot tea. He went into his room to change into a pair of pajamas. He felt mentally exhausted, but he couldn't sleep. He returned to sit on the couch, curling up on the end he usually watched Sherlock sulk on.

"No chances now, Sherlock. He both die here, end of it. I am done with this game", Jim said, his voice emotionless suddenly. "I promise John and aaall of your little friends will live".

Sherlock sighed… trying to hide his triumphant smile. "Can I at least send a text?", he asked.

"Of course. Tell your little John that he won't see you anymore", Jim nodded.

Sherlock took his phone slowly. Step four, completed.

John tossed the phone in his hand as he tried to concentrate on what was on the telly. It was boring, everything seemed boring now without Sherlock. He glanced at the phone, he was worried, just worried that Sherlock could be hurt or worse.

Sherlock began to type, faking sorrow.

"I can't wait to tell my dear Moran", Jim smirked.

Moran... Oh, the same Moran Sherlock had killed? Sherlock smiled mentally, remembering everything. Killing Moran, taking his phone, texting Jim, pretending to be Moran...

"I tricked you again" , Sherlock typed. When Jims phone biped, he smiled broadly. Step five completed.

He placed the phone down. He was going to drive himself insane. He was going to hurt himself. He drained the rest of the tea and started to pace. It must've been late at night, Mrs. Hudson would be asleep. She would hear him pacing. He suddenly didn't care. He needed a distraction.

For once in his live, Jim looked really horrified. He looked up at Sherlock smirking face.

"Sentiment, Jim", Sherlock said, "is not an advantage. I learn that from you, didn't I?"

Moriarty recovered himself, returning the phone to his pocket. He closed his eyes for a second… and smiled, nodding with his head. When he opened them, there was that light again in his eyes. "You win", he said. He mouthed a 'thank you' before lifting his hand and bringing the pill to his lips, swallowing it.

Final step, completed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys!** **Thank you for the reviews, this chapter is dedicated to Auttzthoughtz and RedRozalLove, hope you enjoy it!**

John sat back down on the couch. His leg was paining him. He kept his mind off of the reason. Never had he felt so nervous, so worried. He sighed as he laid down on the couch. Part of him now felt exhausted, not felt like he could sleep. He glanced at his phone before allowing his mind to shut down and his eyes closed.

Sherlock let himself fall into the bed of the hotel room. It was over. No more Jim, no more games… a part of him was sad. He would never get another distraction as much stimulating as Jim's games were… but he had John. And no one would ever get his doctor away from him again.

Game over, love –SH

John didn't hear his phone vibrate or see the text. He was already asleep, curled up on the couch. A hand rested on the pillow, Sherlock's name was his lips.

Sherlock waited five minutes before panicking. Why didn't John answer? Had Moriarty arrived before he could kill him? Getting up in a flash, he burst into Mycroft's room. "John doesn't answer", he said, gripping his phone. His brother simply rolled his eyes.

"It's late. He might be asleep, Sherlock". Well, yes, that sounded logical.

"But he aslways answer", he whispered.

"Sleep, Sherlock. We will return to London tomo…."

"No", Sherlock cut him mid-sentence. "I have to return now"

John turned over in his sleep, hugging the pillow to him. He curled up tighter on the couch, gripping the pillow to him as if it was the very man he loved. Deep in his mind, he knew he needed him, he knew he loved him. He wouldn't have anyone else.

Sherlock was pacing up and down the plane two hours later. John hadn't answered yet. Was he asleep, like Mycroft said? Asleep or…. He didn't even want to think about it. When the green light lit up and he sat down again, he looked outside the window as the plane came down.

He turned again on the couch, his hand sliding out from underneath him. He knocked his phone to the floor without notice. His hand was barley touching the floor as he muttered Sherlock's name in his sleep.

"Take my luggage", Sherlock said to Mycroft in the airport before heading to the exist. He couldn't think clearly now. The possibilities were disturbing: John dead, John kidnapped, John hurt…. John sleeping. Sherlock concentrated in that one as he called a taxi.

"221B Baker Street".

John moved in his sleep again, mouth gaped open in a snore. He rolled back onto the couch, gripping the half fallen pillow to him tightly. He buried his face into it, smelling Sherlock. His body relaxed, he felt comforted as if the man was there.

Sherlock burst into 221, almost breaking the door. He climbed up the stairs as fast as he could and forced the door open, looking everywhere for John. "JOHN!", he shouted into the dark room. Dam, he couldn't see…

John sat up on the couch, fear clutching his beating heart. He stood up, nearly stumbling over the table. "Whose...what...whose...?" he whispered. He went to reach for the gun he kept at his side until he remembered Lestrade still had it. It was dark, but early in the morning. He saw Sherlock standing over him, anger and worry etched on his face. "Sherlock," he breathed, stumbling to the man.

Sherlock didn't even reply. He lunged forward, wrapping both his arms around John like his life depended on it. He was trembling, a mixture of emotions running through his body: fear, confusion, relieve, love… "John", he said in a weak voice. "John"

John placed his face in the crook of Sherlock's neck. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock, holding him close. "Sherlock," he breathed over and over again, "You're alive. You're home..." He forgot about the pain in his leg, the stress his body felt. He had a headache, but that didn't matter. Sherlock was home.

"Well, of course I am! Why didn't you text me back?", he said, trying to calm down his breathing. He was so mad at John, but he couldn't step away from him. "I was so afraid, John. Moriarty said that his people were controlling you, and you didn't answer, and…", he was rambling now.

John gripped Sherlock's face in his hands, pulling them away so he could study the other's eyes. "I'm sorry," he choked out, "I'm so sorry. I-I manage to fall asleep...And-and I mustn't had heard my phone go off..." Tears sparked his eyes but he kissed Sherlock's lips despite them. "I'm so sorry.."

Sherlock kissed John back, slight sobs coming from him. "I love you so much. I thought-thought I had lost you…", he rambled between kisses, holding John to him so hard that he doubted the doctor could breath.

John wrapped his arms around Sherlock. "You know what I suffered through then," he whispered, "I thought I had lost you. I know-know you can take care of yourself. But Moriarty...he's...he's crafty." Tears ran down his face as he held him close. "I love you so much."

Sherlock's breathing had started to recover. He felt so relieved now, like someone had lifted the weight from his shoulders. "It's over, John. I beat him. It's over", he kept repeating like a mantra. He draw back slightly, staring down into John's eyes with his own watering ones.

John kissed Sherlock deeply, tears running down his face. "How?" he choked out.

Sherlock told him everything from the beginning in whispers. When he arrived to the last part, he squeezed John tightly. "I was supposed to return tomorrow, but when you didn't answer… I couldn't wait"

John realized the pain he caused. He swallowed hard, holding Sherlock to him. "I'm sorry for worrying you... I'm so sorry," he whispered in the other's ear, "You shouldn't have had to worry.." He reached up to stroke the other's hair. He ignored everything that he said, he didn't need to think about it now.

"I always worry about you", Sherlock confessed, leaning into John's hand. "You'll have to make it up for me, I guess", he said in a teasing tone, kissing his neck.

John shivered at Sherlock's kiss. He realized he had a headache, but it didn't matter. Sherlock was back. He slowly moved them to the couch, having Sherlock lay on top of him. "One day," he promised with a smile.

Sherlock balanced himself on his arms so he wouldn't crash John. He ran his fingers over John sandy hair, lowering himself down to kiss him sweetly on his lips. "One day", he repeated. "You want to sleep", he quickly observed.

"No," he growled, wrapping his arms around Sherlock tightly, "I want to relax with you. To prove to myself you are real and not my imagination again." He pulled Sherlock to him tightly, kissing his lips gently.

Sherlock smiled at him. "Bedroom, then. It's much more comfortable than the sofa", he said innocently. When he realized how it sounded, he blushed slightly. "I didn't mean… I just want to lay down with you".

John blushed at Sherlock's offer. "Right," he said, slowly sitting them up, "You're right. Much more comfortable then the sofa." He smiled, kissing the other's lips. "You look like you need to rest as well. You didn't sleep after it was over? You were too worried." He felt deep guilt. He had cause this pain.

"The flight was during the night. And stop worrying, John, it's over now", he said as he followed John to his bedroom. He took his coat off and fell on the bed, not even bothering to change into the pajamas. "Come here", he offered, patting the empty bed next to him.

John sat beside Sherlock, leaning into him. He was exhausted enough to sleep through the day. "I can't stop worrying. That's asking me to stop loving you," he teased with a smile.

Sherlock blushed slightly, wrapping his arms around John. "I don't want you to", he whispered, slipping his hand under his shirt, feeling his warm skin. "We should sleep"

John was shocked when he felt Sherlock's cold fingers against his warm skin. He relaxed after a second, a smile on his face. "We should..." he agreed with blush on his cheeks.

Sherlock smiled, leaning down to kiss John's cheek. "Good night, then", he said, smirking. He closed his eyes, waiting. He didn't want to force John into anything, they were both exhausted… but he let the decision to John.

John wrapped his own arms around Sherlock, laying them back onto the bed. He covered them up, cuddling up to the young man. They were both exhausted, yet they wanted to do so much more. It could wait until they had some energy. He kissed Sherlock's lips with hunger, lust, and love before pulling away to rest his head on Sherlock's chest. "I love you," he purred softly.

"I love you too", Sherlock whispered, smiling. His always responsive doctor had chosen sleep before pleasure, but Sherlock wasn't going to complain. Sleeping next to John was good enough for him. In less than five minutes, they were both asleep.

John smiled in his sleep, listening to Sherlock's heartbeat. He was alive. He was real. Things would be okay now, things would go back to normal.


End file.
